MALAYSIANISMS

"Extra Tuition" In The Asia Mag!

2010-11-10T01:52:00.003+08:00

Mental Torture in Malaysia

By NIGEL LIM

November 3, 2010

The exquisite, completely unnecessary practice favoured by parents in Malaysia known as extra tuition.

Malaysians are an enlightened lot. Such is the continuous need for edification that any Malaysian is readily available to absorb knowledge from the grapevine or the Internet as well as dispense expert advice to anyone willing to listen. The source of their information may not be completely legitimate but no one pores over tiny details like credence.

Continue reading here!

"Hating Singapore" Published In The Asia Mag!

2010-03-11T21:13:00.006+08:00

Hating Singapore

Read the rest of the article here!

How Come, How Long

2009-04-10T13:45:00.002+08:00

Dear readers,

First off, my apologies for the protracted absence. Due to certain commitments and material exhaustion, we haven't been able to update Malaysianisms as much as we normally would.

But fret not, we'll soon be back with a bang, bigger and better than before!

In the meantime, why not revisit some of your favorite posts and spread the word to your friends. We welcome fresh ideas and perspectives on Malaysian life from all of you!

Be well, see you soon.

B.H.

#57 Extra Tuition

2009-02-24T01:43:00.002+08:00

It is also a necessity to enrol Malaysian children in private or public tuition from ages as young as 7. You might think this is typical of demanding and pedantic, over-achieving parents but really, it's quite the norm for any Malaysian parent. Because Malaysians can't stand the fact that their kids aren't developing at the same rate as everyone else who's learning the same syllabus from the same materials taught by teachers from school at their after work jobs.

Public tuition centers cater to groups of students who attend classes in the evenings, absorbing expert insight and surveying their fellow classmates (this is a plus point of tuition centers if you're from an all boy/girl school). Public tuition centers boast experienced tutors who have lists of accolades and achievements unfamiliar to most but always profess to have tips on topics in the major exams. These claims are sometimes proven true due to the high probability of topics being repeated by exam preparators drawing inspiration from ancient and predictable syllabus material.

Parents who can afford to, spring for private tuition. Private tutors can leave a lasting image on their students. Some deliver results. Some deliver mediocrity. Some deliver beatings. Private tutors often do not come from educational backgrounds. They're normally comprised of overeducated but underpaid individuals looking to gain an extra buck and to impose their sanctimony on unsuspecting children. Occasionally these tutors will relate stories of their school days and missed opportunities which led them to where they currently are. This is a recommended form of punishment for students to be used by tutors who don't condone violence but wish to inflict narcolepsy through nostalgia trips.

The period in which major examination results are released is always an exciting time for everyone involved. This is when everyone gets to see the fruits of their labor. Tuition centers will be quick to publicise successful individuals in promotional materials or think of new ways to recruit students. Private tutors will either become elusive or increase their teaching rates. In the long run, it's all worth it because these extra classes, intensive tuition, mental torture and grade inflation all result in more and more educated individuals who eventually contribute to the country's brain drain or statistics of the national unemployment rate.

#56 Maggi Mee

2009-02-15T23:22:00.008+08:00

Malaysia has been said (and self-proclaimed) to be a gourmet paradise by many a tourist, culinary expert and gourmand. It is therefore ironic that one particular dish stands out as a Malaysian trademark due to its ubiquity and omnipresence: Maggi Mee.

Maggi noodles are a brand of instant noodles manufactured by the brand Nestle. However, given the pervasiveness of the Maggi brand, all kinds of instant noodles are known colloquially and collectively as Maggi Mee.

Much like Badminton is the unofficial national sport of Malaysia, it can be said that Maggi Mee is a national dish and anyone who is Malaysian has consumed Maggi Mee at least once in their lifetime. No single social stratum in Malaysia can be indifferent to the temptation of Maggi Mee. Given its instantaneous nature and convenience, Malaysians have come to accept Maggi Mee as a staple form of nourishment on account of its high Monosodium glutamate levels.

Given the creative nature of Malaysian food proprietors in Malaysia, Maggi Mee has evolved and now comes in several culinary forms. Among the most popular would be the Maggi Goreng; fried Maggi noodles which adorn the table of mamak stalls across the country. Some people apply their own form of inventiveness and preference by half-cooking their Maggi within half the recommended time. These experiments are brought on by acquired tastes and peculiar idiosyncrasies, to be sure. Such is the affinity Malaysian people have for Maggi Mee that they would pay money to enjoy this dish at eateries despite the ease of which they could prepare one at home themselves.

Maggi Mee is one of the few items that remain impervious and ever-present throughout economic uncertainty and cultural confluence. And if you ever run out of ideas for gifts for your Malaysian friends overseas, present them with a box of Maggi (must be made in Malaysia). They will be overjoyed and reminisce about their struggling days as a a student, surviving on a pack of Maggi a day and their attempts to beat the luggage weight limit at the airport because of the Maggi supply they attempted to lug back overseas.

If the Malaysian person you purvey the box of Maggi with is still indeed a student, you will be seen as a Messiah. This is because Maggi Mee takes on considerably more value (sale, barter trade with fellow students) on foreign soil. This act of grace can then be used to leverage favours for future benefit, such as asking them to transport items back to Malaysia for you during their semester break.

#55 Open House

2009-02-03T02:08:00.004+08:00

One of the more charming Malaysian concepts is the "Open House" which is held during the various cultural or religious festivals held throughout the year. Basically it entails the host welcoming friends, family and freeloaders to visit and dine at their humble abode as a gesture of goodwill and to get into people's good graces.

Typically, Open Houses in Malaysia can be divided into two categories. One; is the layman's open house where the usual assortment of Malaysians attend and proceed to make small talk about the lack of traffic and the catered food. If the food is prepared personally by the host, this gives you another topic of conversation. It'll be the same stuff you encounter in other open houses but make sure you add some chutzpah to the compliments to really sell it. Alcohol, if served, will help facilitate the bland conversation and inspire a performance or two.

The second type of open house is of greater magnitude and draws a smorgasbord of visitors armed with tupperware eager to assist in adding to the merriment of the proceedings. These open houses are the ones held by public figures, specifically those in public service. Politicians far and wide hold these open houses to meet and greet the community which they so nobly serve and graciously remind them of such. The community, ever eager to repay the favour, will respond in kind by getting the most out the visit. Political ideologies or party allegiances are secondary when it comes to kiasuism, to be sure.

Whatever the case may be, it's always interesting to witness Malaysians in their natural element when you combine the elements of free food, scarcity and queueing. It's no wonder then that the open house is a unique and longstanding Malaysian tradition, it brings out the best in them.

Malaysian People In The News- Rihanna

2009-01-28T10:26:00.009+08:00

PAS To Protest Against Rihanna Concert

The Star Online

25th January 2009

Summary

PAS remain persistent in their efforts to prevent popstar Rihanna from performing in Malaysia despite the Government's approval.

Best Quotes

PAS chief Kamaruzaman Mohamad said the demonstration would mainly be to exert pressure on the Government to show that the movement disapproved of such concerts, which it described as unsuitable for the country.

Kamaruzaman said he was upset with the government’s decision to reject their memorandum.

“Rihanna’s image including her dressing is not suitable for our culture,” he said.

“Even if she wore a headscarf here, we know it is not her real self because she performs differently in other places,” he said, adding that they had sent a memorandum to the Religious Affairs Department to have a standard guidelines for such concerts.

Conclusion

PAS are obsessive and aggressive when the thought of Rihanna comes up, stressing and incessantly pressing the issue of prohibition. Despite their best efforts, the Government doesn't see a reason to stop the music.

Stuff Mentioned

Mainstream Music
Public Protests
Malaysian Problems-Foreign Artist Concerts
Malaysian Problems- Sexual Identity

#54 Chinese New Year

2009-01-21T14:38:00.003+08:00

It's that time of the year again when the Chinese people of Malaysia celebrate the Chinese New Year, the first day of the first lunar month in the Chinese calendar. The great thing about ethnic festivals in Malaysia is that regardless of your religious or spiritual persuasion, you won't feel left out during such festivities. And Chinese New Year is no exception. After all, everyone gets two days off work.

As opposed to other holidays that are religion-specific, Chinese New Year requires no such commitment to faith or belief. The only stipulation is that you be, well, Chinese. As with all things Chinese, the New Year will revolve around ideas of prosperity, wealth, good fortune, auspiciousness and health. And many, many time honored traditions and customs (you don't want to know).

You'll also be seeing red, but in a good way, as Chinese recognize the color red as a symbolism of wealth, fortune and happiness. By now you would have identified the subtext of money and its importance to the Chinese but of course, one should never be so crude as to suggest CNY is a celebration of currency. It's really all about family and new beginnings. And prosperity.

The CNY festivities typically start with the Reunion Dinner whereby families near and far gather to have the meal on the Eve of the CNY. This normally sets the scene for reluctant reconciliation and temporary truces while each member compares their good fortune over the past year and compete to see who has accomplished more. It's also a good time to interrogate members of the family who are single and attempt to set them up with "someone nice". Following a meal that will entail plenty of jostling for food and biting criticism subsequently, there'll probably be a gambling session (notice the subtext again). Some people will observe superstitions such as washing hands of bad luck or donning lucky underwear.

On the First Day of the CNY, families visit their elders and each other's houses. Red packets will be exchanged. Children will sneak away to inspect the contents of said packets. Families resume eating traditional CNY meals and another round of gambling will take place. At night, there'll be a showcase of fireworks. The more ostentatious Chinese folk will purchase the loudest and most colorful fireworks displays to ring in the New Year (rule of thumb: big and loud is very CNY).

And then it goes on for another 14 days of pretty much the same thing happening but on an increasingly smaller scale as the celebrations dwindle and routine sets in. By then you'll have ODed on Mandarin oranges and peanuts, conducted your red packet balance sheet, gambled away a small fortune, watched a few lion dances and seen off annoying relatives until the following year. All in all, a very productive holiday.

Remember that this is a glorious opportunity to get in the good graces of your Chinese Malaysian friends. Wear lots of red, gush about the rich culture and traditions of CNY and lose some money to the host of the open house you're attending. Consider it your contribution to the sustenance of Chinese heritage.

Malaysianspeak- Lah

2009-01-16T02:38:00.000+08:00

Definition:

A Manglish particle used primarily at the end of sentences to affirm a point or statement. Also to add weight to a sentence not unlike an exclamation mark.

Malaysian Usage:

i) Ya lah
ii) No lah
iii) Economy bad lah
iv) Petrol price down lah
v) Go mamak lah
vi) Virtually with anything

Example:

a) He's getting married lah. No more crazy nights out already. It's parenthood and Pampers for him now lah!

b) Yeah lah, she's like that one. You can't save a damsel who likes her distress lah.

c) Your fault lah! Who asked you to come late?

Conclusion

Lah is ubiquitously used in the Malaysian lexicon. Much like other Malaysian phrases or colloquialisms, its usage can be varied to signify diverse emotions, connotations or expressions. If you are unfamiliar with the use of Lah, observe how real Malaysians incorporate it into daily conversations before attempting it. Otherwise you run the risk of sounding obnoxious. Or French. Same thing really.

#53 Has-Been Concerts At Genting Highlands

2009-01-07T00:30:00.019+08:00

Malaysia has always been a veritable ground for foreign artistes looking to build and grow a solid fan base. Regardless of whoever the artist(s) is, rest assured that there will be a tweenybopper, emo teen, diva enthusiast or contemporary pop connoisseur here to welcome their idols with open arms and zero judgement.

However, there remains a niche market in Malaysia that foreign acts have identified and continued to exploit over the years. These artistes are those in the twilight of their careers, seeking a little nostalgia trip as well as a fiscal boost to their ailing royalties and to further fund their retirement plans.

The one place in Malaysia that hosts these memory lane moments is Genting Highlands; otherwise known for being a mountain resort, gambling den of decadence and the only place in Malaysia whose weather doesn't reduce you to a hot, sweaty mess.

Part of the reason why these concerts are held in Genting Highlands is because it's far enough from anyone you know, which spares you the embarrassment should you be caught indulging in corny, dated music performed by geriatric popstars. However, if you are below the age of 30 and are caught in such a compromising situation, just say that you're there to accompany your parent/uncle/auntie who begged you to drive them up the steep, winding mountain and attend the concert. Don't worry, the countless number of senior citizens there will assist in your charade.

But regardless of your age and mortifying taste in music, it's completely understandable and you shouldn't have to apologize. After all, it really is hard to say you're sorry for habits that are hard to break.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T02:39:00.003+08:00

Esteemed readers and friends,

A Happy New Year to all of you! Thank you for all the support, criticism and encouragement. Here's to new beginnings and a stronger resolve.

Let 2009 be the year that we set out to become all that we can be.

Yours faithfully,

B.H.

#52 Celebrating Western Holidays

2008-12-24T02:45:00.007+08:00

Given the melting pot of races that form Malaysia's population, it's not uncommon for a copious amount of festive celebrations to occur in a calendar year. In fact, any excuse to celebrate an occasion will be well received by Malaysian people.

You would think that the festivals specifically inherent to the major ethnicities would suffice, but no, Malaysians are all too willing to celebrate Western holidays as well.

Although most will just revel in the respite that a holiday provides without actually celebrating it, you shouldn't mention this. It won't hurt their feelings but Malaysians aren't fond of being confronted with the truth. Instead, just note how cultured and considerate they are to acknowledge holidays that aren't related to them.

The celebration of Western holidays like Halloween or Christmas or even St. Patrick's Day brings great joy to Malaysians as they get to explore different facets of their personalities, celebrate-binge or partake in mass consumerism under the pretext of spreading festive cheer. Expect to find places like shopping malls, clubs or pubs fully patronised by Malaysians looking to usher in some merriment.

For you foreigners who are missing out on these celebrations as they take place back home in your own country, this is a perfect opportunity to impress your Malaysian friends. Note how appreciative you are that Malaysians have an outlet for you to express your specific religion based holiday.

Then explain the roots and history of this holiday and point out the differences and mistakes Malaysians have made in the process of interpreting it. This will cause some guilt for your Malaysian consorts and they'll endeavour to better appropriate and adapt the holiday in future. In the meantime, you can use this guilt to garner favours, holiday gifts and invites to house parties.

#51 Socialite Status

2008-12-18T02:27:00.015+08:00

The list so far has covered things and ways in which you can endear yourself to average, normal Malaysian people. But even those Malaysian people sometimes long for a life less ordinary and wish they were in the upper echelon of Malaysian society. Some Malaysians are fortunate to be born into such legacies while the rest sadly, will have to socialise their way to the top.

In their efforts to achieve a sense of self-actualization and achievement, Malaysian people would like nothing more than to be recognized as a person (and a name) around town. Someone with impeccable taste, elegance and sophistication. Someone who is a part of high society and indulges in decadent dinners and attends perennial parties. One can see how such an opulent lifestyle would prove more appealing than weekly excursions to the Pasar Malam and meals at the Mamak stall.

So for those cursed with working class backgrounds and surnames that don't open doors, there's a lot of work to be done in attaining a socialite's status (if not the wealth). The first is to be pervasively present at any event held in town. An aspiring socialite must be able to find his/her way into any occasion that has the creme de la creme of Malaysian society attending. This can be done by way of maintaining an inscrutable veneer of pretense and pretending to love everyone even though names have long since vanished from memory. When you love everyone, everyone will love you. And then you rein in the favours.

Next, it is crucial that you not only be seen but also remembered. This is simple and should be second nature to Malaysians; photography. To be a successful socialite, one must constantly be seen in pictures. Anyone, anytime, anywhere. Simple probability will tell you that the chances of you appearing in Tatler or other forms of venerable media will increase with the more pictures you appear in. Remember to have a forced smile on at all times just in case someone sneaks a picture of you while you aren't looking!

To really sell your product (you), one must fully exploit the platform that is the Web. Start a blog. If you're feeling particularly confident, start your own website. But regardless, the aim is to endlessly promote your activities and endeavours to the cyberworld at large. Post those pictures! Drop those names! In no time you'll be the It Girl/Guy of KL and everyone will want to be you (if not, beat you). You might even carve a career out of it and build a legion of admirers and groupies. Ain't life grand?

However, once you've achieved ascension of that social ladder, you'll have plenty of enemies and detractors. So you just be the cat by the bar toasting to the good life, ignore the haters and posers trying to pull you back, right? After all this social manoeuvreing, there is a chance that you will emerge a changed person. You might not like the person you've become, but at least everyone else will!

#50 Pasar Malam

2008-12-10T21:19:00.009+08:00

In your endeavours to befriend Malaysian people, you will encounter them in a myriad of places such as clubs, mamak stalls or shopping malls. However, one place which brings out some of the best qualities in Malaysians is the Pasar Malam, otherwise known as a night market.

In contrast with morning markets, the Pasar Malam draws a much more diverse crowd and allows for a colorful display of Malaysian mannerisms. The Pasar Malam is a purveyor of things such as pirated goods, raw food and vegetables, clothing, shoes, reading material, confectionary products, etc. The mass provision of such wares therefore warrants a large crowd and demonstrates that traffic congestion doesn't just apply to the roads and highways of Malaysia.

Pasar Malams are one of the places where you will witness a distinctive Malaysian trait: haggling. Malaysian people will never agree on a price for a good or product if they haven't haggled and bargained for it. The rule of thumb is to counter offer the initial price with an absurdly low amount, then work to the middle. Even if the item's price isn't negotiable, Malaysian people still get a sense of satisfaction out of prolonging the purchase process and proving that they're nobody's fool.

Most of the time, Malaysians head to the Pasar Malam even if they don't really need anything from it. It's just the Malaysian need to wander aimlessly and peruse stuff to occupy themselves. So the next time you're at a Pasar Malam, strike up a conversation with a Malaysian person about the DVD movies you bought or the delectable hawker food by the monsoon drain. Your enthusiasm for Malaysian nightlife will be well received and they might take you on a tour of the other Pasar Malams in the vicinity.

Malaysianspeak- Can Or Not?

2008-12-05T00:04:00.007+08:00

Definition:

A question pertaining the feasibility of a situation or to ascertain the possibility of an occurence.

Malaysian Definition:

i) Are you sure?
ii) Can it be done?
iii) To punctuate sentences
iv) To make a rhetoric statement
v) Yes or no?
vi) Please
vii) May I?

Example:

a) Naga : Let's go karaoke this weekend. I've been practising and I think I can hit those high octaves on that Bon Jovi song we always sing.
Nivel : Huh. Can or not.

b) Queenie : Sweetheart, I thought of what you could get me for Christmas. A new grand piano! Can or not?
Kingston : Cannot.

Conclusion

Can or not is one of the more common phrases you will find being used in the average Malaysian's vernacular. Its uniqueness is that it can be a question, punctuation mark, rhetoric or replacement for outdated terms like please, could or may.

#49 Avoiding Confrontation

2008-11-28T00:52:00.017+08:00

Malaysian people are not fond of confrontation. You could say that they take passive-aggression to whole new stratospheres. There's something uniquely Malaysian about this trait of beating around the bush and delaying the inevitable that coincides with that other Malaysian pastime of complaining but not doing anything about it.

Malaysian people will go to great lengths to avoid incidents or encounters that force them to express feelings of discomfort or displeasure. If you have committed a transgression against your Malaysian friend, rest assured you won't hear about it from them. You will hear about it from another friend, your neighbour, your colleague, MSN Messenger statuses, Facebook or a blog but you will not be confronted by the person you've offended.

If you're wondering why Malaysian people would rather take this merry-go-round method than confront the source of dissatisfaction, you probably neglected the fact that this is part and parcel of Malaysian congeniality. It's true. Malaysians are far too polite to tell you about it to your face. Which is why they'll relieve their emotional burden by telling everyone else. If you're one of those in the loop, be prepared to hear the phrase "Don't tell him/her I said this but.."

In case you have manufactured a situation of conflict-avoidance, you need to know how you can manage such situations and use them for your own advantage. The first approach is to, well, approach. "Hey Jason, I understand that you were slighted by my remark about your casual attitude towards piracy. I'm sorry." This move will gain you lots of guilt trip points which you can use for leverage in the future due to them having already badmouthed you to everyone up till the point you apologised.

The other technique you could employ is slightly risky and requires a thicker layer of epidermis. Knowing full well that your actions offend someone, continue doing it and take advantage while feigning ignorance. Your Malaysian friends will grumble and whine about your behaviour (but do nothing about it) for years. During this period, low expectations of you will have been set in place. All you have to do is every now and then, display that you are capable (nothing certain, just glimpses) of change. This will appease them greatly and they'll continue feeding on the false hope that you have fed them.

It really is that easy.

Malaysian People In The News- Bruce Willis

2008-11-23T04:16:00.006+08:00

Bruce Willis Sues Petra And Tunku Imran
B.K. Sidhu
Business, The Star Online
22nd November 2008

Summary

Hollywood actor Bruce Willis has sued the Petra Group and its chairman, Tunku Imran Tuanku Ja’afar, to recoup US$900,000 (RM3.1mil) of the US$2mil the actor invested in a “green rubber” venture.

Best Quotes

In his complaint filed in the federal court in Los Angeles yesterday, Willis said Petra chief executive officer Datuk Vinod B. Sekhar and Tunku Imran induced him to invest in a company that was developing a non-toxic and recyclable rubber in 2007, according to a Bloomberg report.

Willis, the star of the 1988 hit action film, Die Hard, accused the Petra Group and its executives of breach of contract and unjust enrichment.

In response to the suit, Vinod, who owns Petra Group, told StarBiz yesterday: “It is a minor shareholder issue and we are surprised as we already agreed to take care of it. The current market softening is making people react.’’

While Willis wants his money back, Gibson was quoted in the Petra Group statement as saying: “When you make investments in companies that have the potential to have such a significant positive impact on the world, you do it for the long-term gains and not for quick return. I am in it for the long term.”

Efforts to call Tunku Imran were not successful.

Stuff Mentioned

#48 Elaborate Wedding Dinners

2008-11-18T20:22:00.004+08:00

There comes a time in a Malaysian person's life when they take the next step and venture into that foreign realm the rest of us call matrimony.

The process is more or less the same as it would be in your country except that customs and tradition run rampant and the emphasis is placed on the wedding as opposed to the marriage itself.

The wedding dinner is much more than a celebration of two people's union, it is a momentous occasion in which the couple and their family announce to the world that they are happy, successful, accomplished and basically everything you are not.

You will witness an indulgent and decadent display of extravagance as well as nauseating sentiment. You will bear witness to the couple's lives unfolding and converging through a professional and calculated slideshow presentation. You will have more than your fair share of alcohol and food to compensate for the token of appreciation you parted with at the welcoming/cashier counter.

Throughout the night, you will be sufficiently entertained. The obligatory website/movie inspired wedding vows, grudging speeches from both sets of parents and a performance from a drunk relative or two. And that's not even the singing on stage part.

If you should be so fortunate as to be at a wedding dinner with someone you have not pledged your undying love to, you will at least be able to share the awkward silence on the ride home followed by an inevitable guilt trip in the months to come. But let's dispense with all this cynicism, one should be merry and rejoice in the infinite possibilities and symbols of hope that weddings accord. Don't worry, it won't be long before you have your bride and gloom.

#47 Piracy

2008-11-11T15:33:00.001+08:00

If you've been on holiday to Malaysia or had the delightful experience of living here, you will have surely come across a facet of it's culture that is illegal yet polarising.

Given Malaysian people's affinity for all things foreign, it's only natural for them to want to propagate such influences and disseminate them to the general public. And how do Malaysian people do this, you ask? Why, it's quite simple. All one needs to adhere to is the old adage, "If you can't make it, fake it."

When you consider the practical and reverent nature of Malaysians, it therefore makes sense to pay tribute to the things you love by acquiring them illegally for a fraction of the actual price. That way, everyone gets to share the same experience affordably and without guilt, because everyone's doing it!

If there's a market for it, there'll be a pirated version out on the streets in no time. The latest Hollywood movies on DVD? Check. Designer clothes and accessories? Available. Copyright infringement and zero compunction? Absolutely.

Having this knowledge however, does not mean you should preach the values of purchasing original goods and services to your Malaysian friends. Any attempt to do so will result in a spiel that will be 30 minutes of your life you will never get back. First, they will tell you that this illegal and early acquisition of the material will enable them to form an informed opinion, thereby justifying their recommendations to others. This increases the exposure and awareness of the material in question. So in actuality, their illegal activities are spurring the industry on.

What you say following this is very important. While it would be natural to point out that they're still depriving the source of royalties as well as acquiring illegal and cheap goods, you must refrain. Instead, ask them what movies or music they would recommend. This will give them a sense of pride that they are your resident pop culture expert. It also allows them to feel vindicated that their inappropriate activities are part of a larger cultural advancement exercise and not just piracy.

This will please them greatly and you should expect an invitation to movie night or a listening session for the bootleg Linkin Park album.

#46 Barack Obama

2008-11-06T22:00:00.011+08:00

On the surface, it may be hard to fathom how Malaysian people feel such an affinity for the President of a country whose citizens assume Malaysia is either a viral tropical disease or the capital of Singapore.

But yet, Malaysian people have taken to Barack Obama as if he was a political bastion of hope in their own country and followed his progress to the White House with great relish.

It would hardly be a shock to see Malaysian people having more knowledge of the U.S. elections than the local political climate. You could attribute this irony to apathy for the domestic political scene but it is more a statement of faith.

Such is the reverence Malaysian people have for Obama that they have gone to great lengths to find a link between Obama and Malaysia. Local politicians have followed his campaign fervently and even incorporated the need for Change into their own rhetoric. But I digress.

Malaysian people love Barack Obama because he represents everything that Malaysia claims to stand for: Justice, Democracy, Progress and Equality. Malaysia is a little short on some of those claims but who's counting. Obama, with his policies and administration will affect more than Malaysia's relations with the States and the struggling economy. Obama, to Malaysian people is a beacon of Hope, that one day Malaysia too can proudly say "Yes We Boleh."

#45 Sexposé

2008-10-30T03:02:00.002+08:00

It's no secret that Malaysian people are more reserved and reticent when it comes to matters involving sex. In fact, Malaysia ranks as one of the least developed countries when it comes to sexual experiences and education.

On paper, it seems that Malaysian people are uptight and sexually unadventurous. This is where they have you fooled. Malaysian people love sex and its intimate intricacies as much as the next person. They're just more coy about it. It's amusing but it's part of the Malaysian hypocrisy that passes itself off as allure and mystery. Yesterday's mystery however, quickly turns into tomorrow's history.

A cursory scan of the internet will reveal that Malaysian people are not quite the prudes you thought they were. Sex scandals, from politicians to math geniuses to professional foosball players are quickly becoming commonplace. Due to an exhibitionist (and opportunist) streak that strikes the once sexually repressed, home videos and illicit images are making their way onto the internet and DVD collections. What better way to make one's introduction to Malaysian society than to go down in infamy and be the purveyor of pleasure to thousands? Some of these sexhibitions would even put Paris Hilton to shame. Not that she would feel any, but you catch my drift.

These sexperiences that have become ice breakers and water cooler talk also allow us to examine public perception with regard to gender equality. While the male protagonists of such sexploits suffer temporary embarrassment, their virile displays are secretly the envy of Malaysian men and pique the curiousity of the fairer sex. However,the females depicted in these displays of debauchery receive stern admonishment and societal shunning. So you see, being screwed takes on more than just a literal meaning.

This teaches us three very valuable lessons:

1. Protect yourself, because the penis mightier than the sword.

2. Always decline requests to star in amateur productions. 15 minutes of shame doesn't really count as acting experience.

3. Be a sex object. When asked for sex, object.

#44 Mobile Malaise

2008-10-26T12:42:00.008+08:00

This post ties heavily into #25 but it's crucial that you understand how cell phone etiquette (or lack of it) is an important part of Malaysian culture.

The presence of cellphones has permeated Malaysian people's sense of being to the point that it is virtually an ancillary appendage. Regardless of age or gender, Malaysian people remain inseparable and dangerously dependent on what has evolved from a communication device into an expression of character.

The value of this character however, is a matter of taste. If you're fond of having your conversations interrupted by an intrusive but upbeat ringtone that inspires a sudden case of Tourette's, you might find such nuances appealing. Or if you're eager to drive with a heightened sense of caution because the driver of the car in front of you is prone to gesticulating wildly while conversing or texting with their one free hand, then yes, you will find such behaviour entirely charming.

When possessed by the cellphone's intoxicating influence, Malaysian people also seem to speak louder, be more inquisitive and express a plethora of emotions. Be prepared to hear the phrase "Where are you?" or "What are you doing?"as soon as you answer a call from your Malaysian friend. They don't mean to pry, it's just second nature to them. In any case, your standard response should be either "Busy lah" or "Nothing lah", followed by a succinct but cordial "What you want?".

This mobile misappropriation is endemic and can be easily observed at anyplace and anytime. Some Malaysians develop pathological dependencies on their mobile phones but so far any displays of violence have been contained except for the occasional emotional abuse that telco customer service officers suffer.

So if you're in a club or at a hawker stall or in the cinema, all you need to do to blend in is check your cellphone incessantly and occasionally field a phone call only to tell the caller how busy you are. They will understand, because they're doing the same thing.

Thanks to Alicia Goh for the entry suggestion.

Malaysian People In The News- Shah Rukh Khan

2008-10-22T22:43:00.005+08:00

Bollywood Hunk Will Be In Malacca To Receive Award
Martin Carvalho
The Star Online
22nd October 2008

Summary

Bollywood heartthrob Shah Rukh Khan has confirmed his acceptance of the Darjah Mulia Seri Melaka (DMSM) award which carries the title of Datuk from Malacca Yang di-Pertua Negri Tun Mohd Khalil Yaakob next month.

Best Quotes

Mohd Ali was asked to comment on whether the state had any intention of retracting the award following protest from several quarters including the issue being raised in Parliament.

“No, there is no intention of retracting the award. How can you give something to a person and later ask it back.

“That’s called being a buruk siku (a Malay idiom to describe one who has given something but later asks for its return),” he said.

He also defended the state’s decision to confer a Datukship on the actor, saying that he (Shah Rukh) had helped promote Malacca to an international audience through the film One 2 Ka 4 and the song Don on one of his CDs.

"If the state wanted to get this sort of publicity on CNN, it would have to pay millions" he said, adding that the move to confer the award on the actor would prompt him to shoot more films here.

Stuff Mentioned

#43 Assessing Accidents

2008-10-20T11:21:00.007+08:00

One thing Malaysian you must have noticed by now are the abominable traffic jams that plague the roads, highways and streets of Malaysia. Morning, noon or night, you can rest assured that you will encounter some form of congestion that will delay you from reaching your destination in time.

Now that you think about it, traffic jams are vital to the Malaysian cultural fabric because it gives credence to their chronic tardiness and penchant for complaining. But I digress.

Sometimes, you may be engaged in an hour long, bumper-to-bumper queue that will test your patience and sanity. More often than not, you will repress this rage and let it erupt somewhere down the road. Maybe at a Badminton game or political rally. If you are truly unfortunate, there may be no cause for the bottleneck or congestion at all and you will be left in a confused state of frustration and wonder.

More often than not though, the cause of this stagnancy is an accident; an unfortunate vehicular mishap that requires its drivers to stop in the middle of the road to converse and exchange pleasantries. An inexplicable state of voyeurism will possess other commuters as they slow down their vehicles to peruse and evaluate the damage that has been done to the vehicles involved. Everyone will have an opinion on it. Some will take pictures for the benefit of those of you who enjoy such vicarious experiences.

There will also be many concerned citizens who will commiserate, by stopping to assist and provide advice. Some of them may be car garage touts eager to haul said vehicles into their establishments but still, their intentions are sincere. Or so they insist. Almost instantaneously, you will see tow trucks appearing at the behest of imposing walkie-talkies and the vehicle owners will be spoilt for choice given the gallantry of such noble and entrepreneurial samaritans.

Should the situation be appearing to reach a resolution, you must act promptly and do what all other Malaysian witnesses have already done as soon as the accident happened: take the vehicle registration numbers down. No, it's not so you can provide the authorities with details as well as your first hand account of the incident. Taking down the numbers is a fiduciary responsibility you have to yourself.

These numbers, although procured at the expense of others' misfortune, are potentially prosperous as you can use them at the local Magnum or 4D shop. In case you are still groping in the dark, calamitous events such as accidents are crucial in sustaining the local gambling industry. While there has been no empirical evidence to suggest such an incident could lead to an inverse turn of fortune, it is still a time honored tradition that Malaysian people adhere to fastidiously.

So next time you see an accident on the road, remember that one person's misfortune could be your ticket to retirement.

Thanks to Aidan Oh for the topic suggestion.

#42 Club Culture

2008-10-14T00:53:00.016+08:00

After a long week of slaving away for multinationals and complaining but doing nothing about it, there's nothing Malaysians love more than to hit the club scene and get their freak on, bust a move and get jiggy with it. Not necessarily in that outdated order but you know what I'm saying.

In Kuala Lumpur especially, where its denizens are awake at ungodly hours, clubs can be an interesting observation resource on the ways of Malaysian people. Typically, the revelry begins close to midnight and winds up at 3am but the real stories begin after they leave the premises. We will get to that later.

Preparation for a Malaysian club outing is simple but contains a few key areas. One thing to keep in mind is to be dressed to kill, which can sometimes yield a literal result but we won't dwell on that. Men will be dressed in expensive and identical striped shirts and enough hair product to tame a lion's mane. For the more flamboyant ones, a piece of winterwear is mandatory. Nothing screams sartorial suaveness like a scarf or sportscoat in a sweltering space designed to maximise opportunities for a meeting of minds and later, bodies. It could be the other way round but I'm pretty sure this is how it works.

In a hormonally charged environment such as this, you get to witness a lot of alpha male displays of superiority and peacock posturing. This element of pretense is necessary and an aphrodisiac to attract Malaysia's finest women. The alternative to competing is standing by the bar with the other males and ogling women until one of them responds with a terse "Not interested."

The process of selecting an outfit and final preparation for the fairer sex is a little more intricate. The overall image should symbolise class, with a hint of mischief and mystery but not be unapproachable. Yes, it's difficult but it's true, they go through this every time which is why you really need to compliment your Malaysian lady friends on their outfits to boost their infinite self esteem.

Of course, they will say that they dress for themselves and not to conform to media stereotypes or testosterone stimulant standards. As always, nod and smile politely. But the power of the right ensemble can't be denied, it could lead to a healthy relationship, everlasting love and an expense account. But you should not assume that some women are gold diggers. They're looking for something more substantial than that, like white gold. When Malaysian women reject male advances, it's nothing personal, it's just business.

There are basically two forms of activity that take place in a club. The first is drinking, which can lead to something more fruitful with the opposite sex but if it doesn't, you could always say you had a good time drinking with your buddies which is really, all you need. After saying it a few times, it gets easy. Like a spoonful of sugar, it really does make the medicine go down in a most delightful way!

Which brings us to the second activity, dancing. If your mutual intoxication results in a tete-a-tete with a Malaysian person, good for you! This up close and personal encounter will hopefully lead to something real, like a one month stand. If you're really lucky though, someday down the road you can gather your offspring and tell them why they were named Velvet and Euphoria.

In the midst of all these shenanigans, you mustn't forget to capture all these timeless moments in full photographic glory. The posterity of celluloid will supply you with endless amusement on Facebook or for slideshows at weddings. Maybe even provide those kids of yours with illustrations for the story you were telling of the night mommy and daddy first met which led to little Zouk being conceived.

At the end of the night, when the lights come on and all the drunken debaucheries and scandalous scintillations are brought into stark and often ugly reality, it doesn't mean Malaysian people will give up on the hope of having that one great night on which they'll meet a beautiful stranger and drive a foreign sports car off into the sunrise. It just means they'll have to try harder the following week. In the meantime, they'll need to recuperate from those hangovers, persistent eyebags and compromised principles. You know what they say, the night is always darkest just before the yawn.

Malaysianspeak- No Money

2008-10-11T14:06:00.006+08:00

Definition:

Undergoing a fiscal deficit that prohibits one from further expenditure or precludes one from activities involving monetary exchange.

Malaysian Definition:

i) I don't want any part of whatever it is
ii) I have the funds but your suggestion is a waste of money
iii) Get lost
iv) My wife is in control of the family finances

Example:

Philip : There's this great insurance plan that my company recently introduced. It's a combination of comprehensive medical coverage and solid financial investment. Would you be interested in hearing more about it?
Victor : No money lah.

Conclusion

Given the precarious global economic climate, this phrase is all the more relevant. It can be applied in a multitude of circumstances and it is foolproof. Because no one will want to broach such a sensitive topic. Only probe the subject further if you aim to assist with a bailout.

Considering the recent changes in the Malaysian finance ministry, this phrase might reach endemic proportions.

#41 Free Stuff

2008-10-09T00:05:00.004+08:00

Engrained deep in the psyche of Malaysian people is their love and obsession with free stuff. The term "free" triggers a psychological and physical reaction that is inexplicable and at the same time unstoppable.

There is an immense appeal about the notion of receiving something in exchange for nothing that brings out the best and worst in Malaysian people. This is why Malaysians are bombarded with the promise of free stuff which ultimately costs them more than they bargained for.

It's hard to explain but if you were to consider Darwin's theory of natural selection, you would see that Malaysians are exemplary practitioners when it comes to the fittest emerging triumphant with the spoils of war. The lesson here is: never get in the way of a Malaysian and free stuff, you can't defy the will of nature.

Perhaps you could attribute it to Asian values of prudence and thriftiness which often prevails when a Malaysian's true nature is challenged. These traits are also something Singaporeans have in common and one can only imagine the potential synergies that would result from Malaysian and Singaporean collaborative efforts to procure free offerings.

Malaysians do not discriminate when it comes to free items or intangibles. Even if the free offering is irrelevant to them, the knowledge that they could be missing out on something that others could profit from is enough to drive them to jump on the bandwagon.

One need not look very far in Malaysia for the promise of free food, products or services. However, one area in which it is conspicuously absent from is speech.

#40 Mamak Stalls

2008-10-05T16:31:00.004+08:00

One of the most honest depictions of Malaysians in their natural element is the setting of a Mamak Stall. The Mamak stall is more than just a mere food and beverage establishment to the average Malaysian. To some, it almost constitutes a second home. The Mamak stall is the Malaysian equivalent of the Pub to the Americans. Except that not everybody knows your name.

One only need to observe a simple flow diagram to explain the Malaysian affinity for Mamak stalls:

Home ---> Work* ---> Mamak Stall

*In some instances, work is skipped altogether

Mamak stalls offer provisions and service standards in varying degrees but most of the time this does not matter to patrons. Convenience and proximity are the main criteria for Mamak stall selection. Cleanliness and hygiene standards are also not expected but must be concealed from public view. In fact, Malaysian people have built up a resistance towards unhealthy food because of years of patronizing Mamak stalls.

Mamak stall operators have been around for as long as anyone can remember because of the Malaysian propensity to stay up late, eat and talk at any hour. What's more interesting about Mamak stalls is that regardless of gender, race or creed, all differences are neutralized over a glass of tea. A wide range of conversational topics take place at Mamak stalls, from national issues to gossip to nocturnal antics. It is not uncommon for Mamak operators to offer valid opinions to patrons, especially regarding economics and politics.

All Mamak stalls have two traits in common: persistence and ubiquity. It is a natural occurence at some point in time for one stall to close but ten new ones will take its place in locations you least expect. Due to their relatively low costs and affordable provisions, Mamak stalls also function as a simplified version of the Consumer Price Index. Anytime commodity prices are raised, the price of Roti Canai or Teh Tarik will be brought up and compared.

Malaysianspeak- On The Way

2008-10-01T16:21:00.008+08:00

This is a new section where we will be highlighting phrases and expressions commonly used by Malaysian people. You will come across these local parlances and therefore need to discern their true meaning. Let this be your guide to Malaysian vernacular.

On The Way

Definition:

In a state of movement, travelling to a predetermined destination. Yet to arrive, but arrival is impending.

Malaysian Definition:

i) I will be indeterminably late

ii) I am at home but am planning on leaving soon
iii) I am at another location but will drop by should the mood strike me

iv) I won't be coming at all

Example:

Neil : I'm already here, where are you?

Alan : Ah, I'm on the way, on the way. Will be there soon.

Conclusion:

As explained in post #17, being late is an inextricable part of Malaysian life. This phrase is indiscriminately used by Malaysian people regardless of the point they are at in their journey. You will hear this expression at least 10 times a day, the number is extrapolated by the fact that it is usually repeated with conviction.

There is a well known idiom that Malaysian people adhere to which states "Late is on time, on time is early and early is inconceivable."

#39 Corporations

2008-09-27T18:32:00.011+08:00

You sold out.

Those three words are an affirmation for Malaysian people that they've made it in life. Nothing comes close to the euphoria of those three words. Except perhaps, for anything that is preceded by the term "free".

You may be wondering how compromising principles, material obsessions and being souled out can be a positive thing for anyone. This is where you must realign your thought process for things in Malaysia operate differently from what you may be used to.

You see in Malaysia, the barometer or litmus test if you will, of success is material wealth (Asians' obsession with numbers, go figure). And the most conventional and respectable way to acquire such financial gain is in the corporate sector. Therefore, the ultimate goal for any Malaysian is to acquire a place at a multinational company and proceed to grow their revenue stream whilst complaining about the long hours, endless work and petty politics. Any job that is outside of the corporate sector or not professional in nature is set to be societally condemned. There are no exceptions.

You must be aware that while Malaysian people dread the thought of working in companies that plunder the earth's resources and corrupt man's constitution, they will never admit this fact and instead spin stories of "the greater good" that their companies aspire to achieve in the long run. As usual when encountering such dubious claims, it is your duty to curtail any criticism you have and instead commend Malaysian people on the fine work they and their company are doing.

For added effect, relate a story of how a corporation saved you from going through life as an aimless hippie by giving you purpose, goals and a company car. This story will warm the hearts of your Malaysian friends on their nights and weekends at the office.

Note: Do not confuse multinationals with multi-level marketing. Those are the wrong type of Malaysian people to consort with.

#38 Japanese Cars

2008-09-23T00:17:00.008+08:00

Besides having accents and reinventing their names, Malaysian people also display facets of their character with their choice of automobile. For Malaysian people, a Japanese car will convey all the things they'd like people to think about them: stylish but pragmatic, rich but not a show off and worldly, but still Asian at heart.

Japanese car manufacturers love Malaysia because they could pretty much stick one of their logos on a cardboard box with wheels and it would sell like hot cakes. It would not be an exaggeration to say that you could fit any demographic with a Japanese car. Yuppie sedan, family SUV, speed junkie souped-up sports car. They covered most of the bases so Malaysians can feel unique, but still under a homogenous Japanese consumerist umbrella.

No, it is not contradictory that Malaysians want to feel special but own the same car as everyone else. It's just that their sense of good taste is contagious. Nothing says you've worked your middle class ass off in a corporate drone job with mediocre pay more than an overpriced Japanese vehicle which will last you until the new version is released.

Owning a Japanese car is part and parcel of a Malaysian person's development. Much like bandwagonning or complaining and comparing Toyota to Honda. There are some Malaysian people who even go the whole nine yards in expressing how Malaysian they are, by driving their Japanese vehicle with one hand and complaining on their cell with another as they arrive late for an appointment at IKEA and proceed to double park. Incredible!

If you're wondering how you can use this information for your personal benefit, it's quite simple. The next time you're attending an event or a gathering, ask the owner of a Japanese car if you could take theirs, considering yours isn't fuel economic and that you feel insecure driving it. Presto, a free ride!

Note: You should never imply it is redundant to drive a Japanese sports car in a country whose speed limit is 110mph. They know this, but it was not a factor in the purchase decision.

Malaysian People In The News- Football Fans

2008-09-22T16:57:00.005+08:00

Thrilling Time For Reds Fans
Metro, The Star Online
22nd September 2008

Summary

Three football fans win a trip to watch their favourite team, Liverpool in action live.

Best Quotes

“I guess I must have brought luck to Liverpool as we had failed to beat United in seven of our last eight EPL clashes!” said Bhoopathy.

For Tan, the trip to England was like a “double home-coming”.
“I studied in Manchester 10 years ago and it was great to return to my alma mater,” said Tan.

They also agreed that with the solid backing of the 40,000-odd Liverpool fans at Anfield, this could be the Reds’ year.

Conclusion

A free trip to watch a top game AND the opportunity to get nostalgic about studying abroad? Looks like Malaysian fairy tales get made after all.

Stuff Mentioned

#37 Penang

2008-09-18T17:26:00.011+08:00

Malaysia is home to many colourful and quaint people but you should look no further than Penang if you're seeking to find out what it really means to be Malaysian. Of course, Penangites will contend that they are different and unlike the average Malaysian because of their many virtues. This should be expected, considering the fact that all Malaysians profess to be superior to the other.

Penang is a state in Malaysia that is divided into two sections: Penang Island and Province Wellesley (mainland). Whenever a Penangite tells you where they're from, you must ascertain which side they reside on. If they wince with their reply, you can take it as a sign that they're from the mainland. Islanders are proud of the fact that they live on the side that constitutes one of Malaysia's most attractive tourist destinations and the delusion that mainland Penangites envy them and their inflated property prices.

There are certain things you must know about Penang. The first is that the medium of communication in Penang is Hokkien. It is not an exaggeration to say that Hokkien is the only language you will need to use in Penang. Such is its ubiquity that even residents of Penang who aren't Chinese can speak it. It is best that you study it extensively should you choose to live in Penang. And yes, locals will be able to detect the slightest variance in your Hokkien dialect and increase prices in accordance with your linguistic faux pas.

There is also a stigma attached to Penang people, the notion that they are stingy with their money. This is not true. They're just miserly by nature. However this parsimoniousness has turned out to be a good thing for Penangites. The cost of living in the state is comparably lower than others by virtue of their tight fists and would probably remain unchanged if not for the laws of economics. To paint you a picture of the purported penuriousness of Penangites, consider this aphorism: "A fifty cent coin is as big as a bullock cart wheel to a Penangite".

Which brings us to what is arguably the most defining trait of Penang: its cuisine. The hawker food scene of Penang has always been touted (both by locals and Malaysians) to be the world's best. Normally, you would be advised to to take such grand claims from a Malaysian lightly but this is one occasion where it bears credence. Penang hawker food is of such fame that they have inspired generic gastronomic adaptations from Taipei to Cape Town. Foreigners from distant lands travel far and wide to personally experience the best of Penang's culinary offerings. It is of course hugely ironic that their palates, which have grown accustomed to the diluted version of the meal back home then find that the original is "not as good as expected".

In your endeavours to befriend a Penangite, commend them on their food and the warmth of their people. If by a slip of the tongue you were to mention the frugality of Penangites, there's no need to fret. They will thank you for the compliment.

#36 Russell Peters

2008-09-15T00:52:00.002+08:00

Malaysian people love to laugh and have a good time, as long as it isn't at their expense. This is because Malaysian people do not believe in self-deprecating humor or jokes about themselves. If you must joke about Malaysian people in their presence, assure them that they are nothing like that, it's only the people you are poking fun of who act that way.

In Malaysia, it is also not alright to trade gags that are potentially unsettling which revolve around race, politics or religion. Cracking wise about any of those issues could get you locked up. This is why Malaysian people like Russell Peters.

Russell Peters is a Canadian comedian of Indian descent. His whole act is basically based on making fun of racial idiosyncrasies and differences in culture. As a comedian, he gets to explore race issues in a jocular context and say things that would be considered racist if they were uttered by anyone but him. Being an Asian himself, this further endears him to Malaysians as they really relate to his wisecracks and enthusiastically recycle his jokes in their everyday lives.

Malaysian people love his jokes for two reasons: one, because they are both offensive and funny at the same time and two, because by recycling his jokes they get to stealthily insult other races and blame it on him if it isn't received well. Although Russell Peters has not explored the peculiar antics of Malaysia as yet, it definitely would present him with a comic goldmine. The true measure of his success would then be determined by his presence being banned by Malaysian authorities due to him being a "disruptive social influence".

Note: If you have made a joke that is offensive to Malaysian people and need to conduct damage control, claim that you meant it in a historical context.

#35 Localized Reality Shows

2008-09-11T11:22:00.008+08:00

Malaysian people take themselves seriously and need attention like John McCain needs the fountain of youth. But there isn't always an avenue or platform for them to show the world how talented, intelligent and charming they are. For this reason, Malaysian people decided to adapt foreign reality shows. You see, this is a win-win situation for Malaysian people, it takes both their liking for adapted foreign influences and self promotion and churns it into a half hour TV programme for mass consumption. This is a surefire way to propel someone normal and average into the public spotlight and add to the list of local celebrities Malaysians adore.

The type of reality shows Malaysia produce mostly revolve around dating, modelling, performing and even business ala The Apprentice. However the term "reality" on these shows is used very loosely since most of the participants are anything but real. However, any Malaysian reality programme produced must adhere strictly to the Three Malaysian Principles of Reality Programming:

1) Piracy - the concept which is borrowed and reinvented
2) Pretense - the prerequisite attitude of participants
3) "Perasan"- the Malay term which carries the connotation of being conceited

These three principles are key to ensuring the success of a Malaysian reality programme and in giving birth to the careers and prominence of more Malaysian talents. The path of a Malaysian reality TV star is one that is slowly gaining credence as it does not require any work or any skill as compared to a Badminton player or Politician but ensures a certain level of visibility.

If you should ever come across a Malaysian reality star, immediately acknowledge that they were your favourite contestant on the show and (if they didn't win) assure them that they were robbed of the win because of production politics, biased editing or technical voting errors. You will then be invited to their local theater debut or next showcase at the Hard Rock Cafe.

Thanks to Ms.Lime for advocating this piece.

Malaysian Problems- English Butchery

2008-09-08T20:14:00.008+08:00

The Article:

"35% Of Teachers Lack Good Command Of English". R.S.N. Murali. The Star Online. September 4th 2008.

The Problem:

For as long as the English language has existed in Malaysia, Malaysian people have been butchering it mercilessly to the point that Manglish is now acknowledged as a language in its own right.

This also presents those with a copacetic grasp of English the opportunity to lord it over those less fluent and build themselves a reservoir of confidence that they are better than others who commit grammatical crimes and syntax sins.

The Solution:

Establish laws to punish crimes against the English language. Previously, perpetrators escaped with impunity but harsher enforcement must be taken to ensure that Malaysia is no longer mocked or derided over its language liberties. It would therefore be punishable by law to commit the following misdemeanors:

wRiTinG LiKe tHis
Writing. Like. This.
Claiming to be an author or writer when only literary accomplishment is a blog
Copious use of the term "no pun intended" or "wtf", "lol" and "omg"

Punishment and rehabilitation includes forced adoption of the Queen's English and excessive dictation as well as accent refinement.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Malaysian people who self-righteously demean and chide those they deem lesser than them for having poor English will be sentenced to teaching English without pay in rural schools, kindergartens and karaoke joints to learn empathy and humility.

Stuff Mentioned

Thanks to everyone who either mentioned, suggested or contributed to the elements mentioned in this post.

#34 Accents

2008-09-04T11:23:00.004+08:00

It's amazing that it took us this long to get to accents but it is critical that you understand this Malaysian phenomenon. Although this post ties heavily into post #1 Studying Abroad and #26 Defying Ethnic Stereotypes, it definitely warrants its own entry as a Malaysian peculiarity that persists throughout time.

The faux accent is consistent with Malaysian people's love for all things foreign and Western. It would not be a cliche to use the saying, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. If you're unsure what this accent sounds like, imagine a bad Michael Caine impressionist performing while under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs.

Generally, the Malaysian person develops an accent when returning from abroad or perhaps after one too many episodes of an American sitcom. The former is a common occurrence which explains the plethora of international accents you might hear rolling off Malaysian tongues. Be prepared to hear the excuse "I was there for so long, it's hard to just shake it off."

The average Malaysian is not able to discern between an English, American or Australian accent but just having one will sufficiently raise their social profile. It would not be an understatement to say that Malaysian people are fascinated by accents. Even a hypnotist would be hard pressed to produce anything close to this. In fact, Malaysian people in possession of accents receive better treatment from everyone and will even seem more attractive by virtue of their speech, regardless of their shortcomings. I know you're incredulous of this but believe me, it's true.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to developing an accent. Little things like grammatical deficiencies, illiteracy or lack of actual foreign experience can be discounted. All that matters is that the accent sounds different and affected. No one really knows what a genuine one sounds like anyway since they're all doing the same thing. To avoid being labelled pretentious, some Malaysian people occasionally use Manglish
terms to show that they have not completely abandoned their lingua franca.

Most of the time, Malaysian people speak Manglish but there are certain occasions or incidents which prompt them to change their inflection (if they aren't retaining it permanently already). One situation which calls for it is an encounter with you, the foreigner. You may wonder why your Malaysian friend has adopted a manner of speech so uncommon and awkward and you may even be a little offended. No, they're not making fun of your dulcet tones or your delightful lilt. They're being hospitable and trying to make you feel at home, silly! Make sure you indulge in this charade and show appreciation for their efforts.

Having an accent also helps impress newly-made acquaintances, as mentioned earlier.

"Hey, you know that guy who just came back from abroad?"

"Which one? There's so many of them."

"The one who has the cute British accent."

"Yeah, you should totally date him. It's a known fact that Brits are posh and sophisticated which by virtue of his accent, means he is too. It's the theory of relativity. You can't fight science."

Malaysian people will sometimes erroneously refer to an accent as "slang". You must excuse this for it is just as common for them to confuse terminology as they confuse people with their accents. But you must remember never to imply that a Malaysian person's accent is false or fabricated. This will lead to a long argument that will leave you questioning the authenticity of your own accent.

Note: If you encounter a foreigner with a Malaysian accent, you must report it to the authorities immediately for posterity and further study. Such an incident has never been documented in history and would present academicians and anthropologists with groundbreaking research material.

#33 Public Protests

2008-08-31T15:54:00.006+08:00

Malaysian people are collectivists by nature and aren't fond of straying from societal norms and conventional paradigms. This is why they indulge in communal activities like gathering or complaining.

A long time ago, a group of Malaysian people felt very strongly about an issue but didn't know how to channel their frustration. Then they had a brainstorm. They combined the Malaysian affinity for collectivism and complaining into a single activity, which is what we now know as a rally, demonstration or protest.

The Public Protest is the pinnacle of Malaysian discontent demonstration. Among the more prominent shows of dissatisfaction revolve around politicking, economic grouses, commodity hikes or even education policies. However, given the fact that Malaysian legislation prohibits gatherings of four or more people without police permits, most of these protests end in violence, more disgruntlement and neverending arguments on civil rights. The foreign press is fond of reporting on such Malaysian protestations because it allows them to remind their citizens that freedom of speech is a privilege, not a right.

Public protesting can sometimes start out as innocent community events. However, given the Malaysian penchant for grievances, this soon turns into a full blown show of dissatisfaction for policies, administrations or the most important cause of all: self cause. If you happen to witness a Malaysian protest in action, be careful who you side with. Historically, the administration being rebelled against would prevail indubitably and you would be advised to accept the status quo. But in the words of Sam Cooke, "a change is gonna come."

#32 Nipponophilia

2008-08-28T23:20:00.003+08:00

Nipponophile- One who advocates Japanese thought and culture

Malaysian people are strangely attracted to Japanese culture and its influences. While it would be easy to assume that this phenomenon was established and sustained since the Japanese Occupation in the 1940s, this would not substantially validate it. But before we ascertain the rationale for this Nipponophilia, we must examine how it has weaved its place into Malaysia's cultural fabric.

If we look at the typical diet of a Malaysian person, it would consist of rice as a staple food. Therefore, it's easy to make a transitive relation that Sushi appeals to them unequivocally. Which explains the copious amount of Sushi and Japanese restaurants in Malaysia. If you are with a Malaysian person who orders food in Japanese, it means you are dealing with an advanced level Malaysian who considers himself to be a connoisseur. Be careful with what and how you place your order. Your social status could be compromised by asking for the crabstick.

Besides Japanese music and TV shows, the Japanese persuasion is also felt through manga, anime and cosplay. Gone are the days when people silently appreciated these artistic formats with repeat readings and obsessive collections. Now Malaysian people live out their fantasies in full costumed glory at conventions and gatherings. This appeals immensely to Malaysian people as they get to take on a personality or gender (crossplay) more desirable than their own and justify hundreds of dollars spent on theatrical obsessions that otherwise would have gone to therapy bills.

Of course, being Malaysians, there is the need to go more than the whole nine yards. Manga, anime and the like are child's play for Malaysians who practise the extreme art of Nipponophilia integration. Thus, much like the sushi connoisseur, you will encounter Malaysians who take their Nipponophilia very seriously. It is not enough for these Malaysian people to study Japanese language and culture, they also have Japanese names, act kawaii or wear "harajuku" clothes. Therefore you should appreciate the effort made by Yuki Minami aka Tan Mei Ching to inject some diversity into the Malaysian demographic by thanking them properly with Arigatou Gozaimasu.

Malaysian Problems- Foreign Artist Concerts

2008-08-26T18:10:00.007+08:00

The Article:

"Avril Lavigne's Show Goes On in Malaysia". Jovie Baclayon. E! Online. August 24th 2008.

The Problem:

Foreign music artists whose personas and stage presence are deemed provocative and culturally contradicting by certain Malaysian groups face opposition when seeking to perform in the country.

The Solution:

Foreign artists should embrace Malaysian culture and traditions by toning down their attitudes and performances to suit the conservative local palate.

One way of incorporating local influences is for foreign artists to don the traditional garbs of Malaysian ethnicities. For instance, Avril Lavigne should employ a costume change that sees her perform in the Baju Kurung, Cheongsam and Sari. This will greatly endear her to Malalysians, even the more staunch traditionalists.

Foreign artists can also learn the local lingo and use it in their songs. For example, "Hey, hey, you, you I tak suka your girlfriend lah". If possible, they should also sing duets with local artists in an attempt to converge Western and Asian influences. An Avril and Mawi duet anyone?

Stuff Mentioned:

Thanks to Skim for strongly suggesting this piece.

Malaysian People In The News- 24th August 2008

2008-08-24T03:56:00.002+08:00

Chong Wei ‘Manipulated’ By BN, Says Guan Eng
By Sim Leoi Leoi
The Star Online
21st August 2008

DEWAN DISPATCHES: Lee Chong Wei Becomes Permatang Pauh Fodder
By Azmi Anshar
The New Straits Times Online
19th August 2008

Summary

Malaysian Badminton hero Lee Chong Wei sees his horizons widen as a result of his Olympic exploits. He is provided with an opportunity to contribute to the Government and his state of origin, Penang.

Best Passage

NST Online:

At Parliament House today, the Malaysian Olympic silver medalist cosied up with the Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Minister where he enthralled attendees with his winning exploits against his wily opponents, shuttlers leading up to the semis, though it was likely that his anecdotes against the great Lin Dan was minimal. It was already a known fact that coming in second in any Olympic sport meant a RM300,000 cash reward and a RM3,000 lifetime monthly pension, so we know Chong Wei will soon be, deservedly, filthily loaded.

What was NOT known was that the reward presentation will fortuitously be held in Penang tomorrow night. "Since he is a Penang boy, we've decided to have a cheque presentation in the state,” Datuk Seri Najib Razak said after a 10-minute meeting with Lee at his Parliament office.

The Star Online:

Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng said there was no need to send Lee back to Permatang Pauh using an airplane provided by the Defence Ministry and landing at an airforce base for the purpose of the Permatang Pauh by-election campaign.

"It's quite clear that he's been manipulated and Barisan is using the ceremony to their advantage for the campaign."

Asked about the conferment by Yang di-Pertua Negri Tun Abdul Rahman Abbas of the Darjah Setia Pangkuan Negeri (DSPN) award on Lee on Aug 30, which carries the title "Datuk", Lim said the ceremony would take place after the polling date in Permatang Pauh.

"This is because we don't want to be seen as taking advantage of him," he said.

Stuff Mentioned

#31 Badminton

2008-08-22T03:22:00.000+08:00

Malaysia is not known for its prowess as a sporting nation. In fact, it’s pretty hard to root for Malaysian athletes because you don’t get to see them progressing very far in tournaments or winning accolades. This is why Malaysian people watch foreign football leagues as opposed to the domestic one. But there is one sport where Malaysian people excel in and support fervently: Badminton.

Believe me when I say every Malaysian person ever born has tried their hand at Badminton at least once. There’s something inexplicable that draws Malaysian people to Badminton at an early age and inspires some to pursue professional careers. It could be the fact Badminton is easier to play and is less physically demanding than contact sports. Or perhaps it’s because deep down in the heart of each Malaysian parent lies the hope that their child could be the next great Malaysian Badminton player. Although Badminton may not be as athletically revered as Track & Field or Swimming, Malaysians have stuck with it and over the decades have produced a throng of Badminton prodigies who perplexingly burn out in their mid-twenties.

You might contend that Badminton is equally popular in Indonesia, China and maybe even Denmark, but I assure you no other country has as many aspiring Badminton players as Malaysia. For evidence of this, observe the burgeoning young talents who play Badminton with their neighbours over the fence or the out of shape average joe who fuels his Badminton fantasies every weekend at the neighbourhood court.

The recent Badminton Olympic final represented the pinnacle of Malaysian Badminton achievement. The nation rejoiced in anticipation of a long awaited Gold medal and the hype surrounding the event brought out the best in Malaysian people. Unfortunately, the final did not have a fairytale ending and this inevitably brought out the worst in Malaysian people. Cue the complaining and short term memory loss.

Nevertheless, being a professional Badminton player will always be on most Malaysian people’s dream job list along with Local Celebrity and Politician. In fact, being a successful Badminton player could pave a path into both those careers.

#30 Reinventing Their Names

2008-08-20T01:20:00.015+08:00

What’s in a name? For Malaysian people, a lot. When you next talk to your Malaysian friend, try asking them about their name and its origins. There is probably a deep seated meaning and history behind their name but unfortunately, you’ll never find out what it is because Malaysian people adopt new monikers or alter their names as soon as they develop social awareness.

Malaysian people are aware that their names are not just a string of alphabets thrown together. Names reflect their personalities and background. Therefore they take great steps to alter their names to convey the sort of persona they desire. For some Malaysian people who were given more conservative and ethnically influenced names, it is a good idea to shorten them or perhaps add an English name. For instance; a name like Katijah could be shortened to "Kat" or maybe even “K”. Another example would be someone with the name Chong Ah Kow repackaging himself as Engelbert Chong to project maturity and sophistication.

For some Malaysian people who lack imagination, they simply form an acronym with their initials; Palanivel Janarthanan would henceforth be known as “PJ”. There are also some who deem their names not rexotic or unique enough and thus find solace in names such as Nanako or Ferrari. Once in awhile, you might encounter a Malaysian with a name like Sarah Dominique Lee. Notice that it contains only an ambiguous surname, a middle name and betrays no sign of the ethnicity. This is a well planned and foresightful method to naming children. A Malaysian person with this form of name at birth will have a head start in life.

The subtle changes made to their names ensure the Malaysian person’s desired personality is effectively communicated (pronunciation and spelling is arbitrary). However, given the inherent Malaysian need to one-up others, many have begun resorting to more extreme measures, resulting in names that have yet to appear on any birth certificate in history (Million, Celestial, Che Gustafa, Zique, Rikosama, Xobile!).

If you come across such colorful Malaysians, you must first smile and nod in quiet appreciation of their creativity in coining such a semantic symphony. Next, ask them what it means. Their answer is likely to be trifle but that doesn’t matter. The point is that you gave them a chance to talk about themselves which will sufficiently endear you to them. To seal the deal, stare admiringly at them and say, "Whoa. That is so deep."

Malaysian Problems- Sexual Identity

2008-08-18T11:53:00.014+08:00

The Article:

"Sex On Demand". Focus. The Star Online. June 15 2008.

The Problem:

Malaysian people are slowly achieving sexual liberation. This is a good thing.

But, how do you tell which team that guy/girl plays for? Are they double agents?

The Scenario:

You see a girl you like in the club. She's attractive, fun, carefree. You approach her with designs on whispering sweet nothings in her ear and sweeping her off her feet. Hold up, cowboy. Someone ran interference on your game. Some girl, to be specific. Are those your sirens wailing?

Malaysian women are fond of talking about their "lesbian partners" in attempts to appear edgy and progressive. They upped their ante, son. It isn't just talk anymore. Is the game over for you? Not quite.

It is a strange phenomenon that Malaysian women only act out their lesbian fantasies in public places with an audience (mainly male). And somehow, this hot lesbian action is conveniently poised for maximum photographic exposure. Malaysian men say: How did I get so lucky? Malaysian women say: Hook, line and sinker!

The real Malaysian LGBT community would not condone deliberate acts of homosexualty for novelty purposes. Neither does the bonafide LGBT crowd have a penchant for public exhibitionism. The faux lesbian performance you witnessed last night while clubbing was a ruse. Choreographed to titilate your senses and give you false hope of sexual promiscuity. It will not happen. Instead you will be taken for a ride (not the kind you want).

The Solution:

Ignore the public display of a-fake-tion. It will do your dignity good and spur the aspiring actresses on to more fervent performances. Soon they'll start to feel silly and think of better ways to attract attention. Ways that benefit you of course. Enough with the Lindsay Lohan act, sweetheart. It's embarrassing.

Stuff Mentioned:

Thanks to Paul Tan for the topic suggestion.

#29 Football

2008-08-14T20:32:00.011+08:00

Malaysian people love football (soccer, as some of you call it). It is a veritable pastime and for some, it practically constitutes a reason for living. A Malaysian person can spend hours watching back to back football games, yelling and gesticulating wildly at the TV screen whether he/she is alone or in a group, doing the same. But before you use this information for personal gain, let’s explore the mind of a Malaysian football fan.

The Malaysian football fan will first encounter football in his or her formative years as they watch Dad screaming at the guy on TV who’s running away with a ball being chased by 20 other guys. Soon, the Malaysian adolescent begins to develop a fascination for the strange spectacle and asks the father about it.

Boy : Dad, what’s football?
Dad : It’s a game, son.
Boy : Like hide and seek?
Dad : No, boy. Like life and death.

Once the seeds of football have been planted in the minds of impressionable young tykes, comes the crucial point in their lives; picking a team. This step is one that must be seriously thought over for the ramifications can be catastrophic. A Malaysian person must pick a team that will foreseeably be successful well into their adult life. If they pick a team that is a dud, they risk going through life being scorned by fans of better teams and watching their team languishing in mediocrity. Of course they have the option of switching allegiances to other teams, but this is tantamount to sin. This is why some people are called “Judas”.

Unfortunately, some Malaysian people had the choice of team made by their parent a long time ago and they might be supporting a mid-table or God forbid- non league team. But this can be used to their advantage as they can accuse other Malaysian people of being “Gloryhunters” or fair-weather fans. Gloryhunters will never admit that they are supporting a team just because they’re successful. You should never insinuate this for it could lead to them either ostracizing you or giving you a long lecture on their history as a fan of the club. Both outcomes are equally unpleasant.

A typical Saturday night for most football fans involves a crowded pub or mamak stall (future post), effusive fans and a large TV screen. Expect to hear many insults thrown at the referee or the fancy player who has a penchant for theatrics. Some fans may get violent, but you shouldn’t worry. It’s just their way of expressing themselves, like how cavemen used to bang their chests and yell a lot. Once the game is over, you might see some crestfallen fans who weep in disappointment at their vicarious dreams being shattered. This means they have to get back to the harsh realities of real life. This is something they do not want. But if their team should win, this would make their existence seem meaningful as they are part of something some group of people did in some land far away.

But the match does not end there. Malaysian people also feel the need to analyse, complain or gloat about the events post-match. For some, this is more important than the match itself as they get to imagine that they are sports commentators on a TV programme. A sports commentator position is one that Malaysians dream of as no other job pays you five figures to wax lyrical about 22 men fighting over a leather sphere. If you’re feeling particularly masochistic, you should ask a Malaysian person to explain to you how football leagues are secretly controlled by bookies and organized crime. Of course, Malaysian people also feel the need to supplement this passion for football with Futsal games. Futsal is essentially football but in a smaller court with less people that allows amateur players to feel like they are professionals.

The end of a football season triggers withdrawal symptoms in Malaysian people as they start to resemble an extra from a George A. Romero film. This can be a frightening sight for someone unaccustomed to it. It is necessary that you relate to their pain. However, once football season begins again, they’ll be back to themselves. Expect to hear the phrase “Now life has meaning again.”

Note: There are Malaysian people who wear football jerseys in non-football situations. This kind of Malaysian person must be handled carefully.

#28 Facebook

2008-08-11T16:42:00.007+08:00

Living the life of a Malaysian person is never easy. Each new day is another struggle to prove that they are better than the next Malaysian. That is why social networking sites exist. In the past, Malaysians used Friendster or MySpace but slowly everyone gravitated towards Facebook. It was of course, unacceptable for Malaysian people to remain on old networks and thus started the Facebook era.

The power of Facebook in raising a Malaysian person’s social status in life cannot be underestimated, the profile page is very important in determining social desirability. The first thing a Malaysian person will look at (besides your self-photography) is the number of friends you have. A large number of friends is very crucial and a benchmark to one’s status in the social hierarchy. Anything less than a thousand friends could lead to you being labelled a social pariah. You do not want this.

The next indicative sign a Malaysian person will observe is personal information such as education, influences and basically what stereotype they can pigeonhole you into for future reference. The more astute Malaysian will list the most obscure (but foreign) elements in his/her profile. Western or European movies, books, philosophy, music and clichéd quotes are all acceptable to project that they are cultured and knowledgeable. It is also necessary for a Malaysian person to join as many celebrity (I Heart Brad Pitt), political (Obama for President) or social cause (1 Million Malaysians Against Fuel Hike) groups and applications to demonstrate their firm understanding of pop culture and the socio-political climate.

Another crucial element of the Malaysian Facebook dynamic is to constantly update their profile with updates on what they are doing or thinking to show how busy, popular or smart they are (“Andy. Is. So. Tired.”, “Sasha is excited about her trip to Melbourne, w00t!”, “Tiffany loves the romantic ambience of Starbucks..”, “George is pumped from his intense gym session!!”, “Mandy got 90% for her Macro Econs paper!”, “Lina is assignmenting..”). But it is not enough to constantly update a profile message, Malaysian people also need to photograph all the events that take place in their lives and compile them into a photo album. Malaysian people have a knack for making the mundane seem interesting and this is evident when you see those albums featuring them in a drunken stupor at a club or pictures of their half eaten dinners from the day before.

Facebook is also a credible source of information and news for Malaysian people. For example, reading the messages that people leave on friends’ walls (“Hey, I’ve been good. Hectic as usual but that’s me, busy busy busy!”). If a Malaysian person desires to find out more about that guy or girl they’re interested in, all they have to do is cybersquat on their Facebook page and watch their daily updates as well as admire the aesthetic nuances of that person’s pictures. This information they gain can then be conveniently used in future conversations (“I really enjoyed The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. No way, you too? We’re like soulmates, it’s insane!”). Even their friendships can be managed easier. All they have to do is leave a message on their acquaintances’ page once every six months or simply poke them. This shows the sincerity and fortitude of their relationship that extends to cyberspace.

Remember that a Malaysian person’s Facebook page is every bit as critical to their identity as their job, friends and living address. If eyes are the window to a person’s soul, Facebook is the door to a Malaysian person’s mind. Anything you can absorb and decipher from a Malaysian person’s page can be highly useful but at the same time highly deceptive. This is because none of the things they state were true to begin with. But they sure would like you to believe that it is.

Note: A Malaysian person who doesn’t have an account at any social networking site is either a Counterculturalist or does not own a computer. Both are equally dangerous.

Malaysian People In The News- 10th August 2008

2008-08-10T10:40:00.005+08:00

Finding The Best Bargains
By Renita Che Wan
The Star Online
3rd August 2008

Summary

A Malaysian couple exemplify the Malaysian values of shrewdness and cost efficiency.

Best Quotes

Every morning, as soon as the newspapers arrive, the couple flips through the pages and makes comparisons in prices between several hypermarkets in the Klang Valley. They feel that paying a little more attention to the newspaper advertisements really helps them to save when they go out shopping for household items.

When asked for shopping tips, Henry said: “At 8.30pm, make sure you loiter around in front of Jusco in 1 Utama. They usually sell their durians at half price. Sometimes they even give 30% discount on selected items around that time.

“Once you reach our age, you are going to be as kiasu as we are,” he said with a laugh.

Stuff Mentioned

#27 Hating Singapore

2008-08-06T16:24:00.009+08:00

Malaysia has a longstanding relationship filled with grudging tolerance and mutual animosity for its neighbouring country, Singapore. For the uninitiated, Singapore used to be a part of Malaysia a very long time ago. Some people still think they should be. But these are the same people who think divorce by SMS is perfectly legitimate.

But I digress. To help you understand, here’s an analogy: the relationship Malaysia and Singapore have is much like the relationship between the United States and Canada. Both countries are virtually the same save for one or two distinguishing factors and that they hate each other with a vengeance. If you guessed which country Malaysia is in that comparison, give yourself a pat on the back.

Malaysian people hate Singapore for various reasons. One of them is that Singaporeans are fond of claiming that they are superior to Malaysia as a country. Their basis for this postulation is their efficient public transport, totalitarian government, stringent pursuit of education and superior exchange rate. Some of these are things that Malaysians could debate but it would cause more bad than good through comparison. The usual retort of a Malaysian person is “Your country is a pirated version of ours”.

Malaysians will support the fact that they are better by stating the Malaysian origins of the hawker food which Singapore falsely acknowledges as theirs, a country much larger and richer with natural resources and the absence of laws on chewing gum. That’s it really. Of course, one could make the argument that a Malaysian may be kiasu but would never stoop to the depths that a Singaporean will. This age old question of who is more kiasu will one day be answered when both countries organize a free food eating competition to the death.

However there are a significant number of Malaysians who are constantly caught in this crossfire. They are the Malaysians plying their trade in Singapore and more often than not, are Permanent Residents. These Malaysians feel an obvious loyalty to their country of origin but are equally compelled to serve their own cause. If you should ever question the loyalty of a Malaysian living in Singapore, be prepared for a long, drawn out answer which they have prepared and perfected over time to deal with irritants like you.

This conflicted Malaysian will state that they are actually doing Malaysia a service. Although they may work in Singapore, they spend all of their hard earned money in Malaysia whenever possible. Because the exchange rate is 2:1, they are able to contribute more to the economy than the average Malaysian can. While doing this, they are also plundering Singapore’s resources and using up what natural energy that they have on a long term basis. So you see, the Malaysian living in Singapore is actually performing a national duty that is most ingenious but requires a great amount of personal sacrifice. Naturally this is something you must acknowledge.

Take this Malaysian aside and say to them “Hey, thanks. Sincerely, Malaysia”. Then grin and give them two thumbs up. This Malaysian will then return to Singapore with a smile on their face that stretches further than a Singaporean’s waistband after a buffet meal.

#26 Defying Ethnic Stereotypes

2008-08-03T05:39:00.024+08:00

“I am not your typical Malaysian but a mixture of the American lifestyle, Chinese diligence, Italian romanticism, German efficiency, French sophistication and Japanese looks...I’m interesting to say the least!”.

The above statement (reader submitted profile description from a social networking site) is a cultural barometer of how Malaysian people view themselves. While Malaysia may predominantly consist of Malays, Chinese and Indians, it is apparent that Malaysia’s diverse heritage and influences are also inclusive of adopted foreign affectations.

A defining and crucial facet of a Malaysian person is his or her cultural and ethnic landscape. While one may be born of a particular ethnicity, they may not ascribe to its culture in entirety. In fact, it is most desirable to refute any traces of your ethnic heritage and integrate more exotic aspects into your character. Let us examine the following conversation:

Victor : I met this girl at KLCC last week. I think she’s quite special.
Frank : Really. What’s she like?
Victor : Well she’s of Chinese descent but she’s not your typical Chinese person. She dresses like one of those girls on The Hills. She doesn’t speak a word of Chinese, only English because she studied in the US and she doesn’t even have a Chinese name.
Frank : Ah I see, so where is she from then?
Victor : I thought that was clear. She's Malaysian.

While it may be confusing to foreigners how rejecting home-grown and inherited values can be cool, it is very clear cut to Malaysians. To assist those of you who are confused, here is a simple equation:

Malaysian person – Inherited ethnic influences + Arbitrary foreign elements = Heightened social status.

It is as simple as that!
Sometimes, the Not-Quite-Malaysian (NQM) will be rebuked by more patriotic citizens about their non-local stance. The transcript you are about to see is an example of how to deal with such criticism:

Neil : You’re hardly Indian. You don’t even speak your mother tongue!
Matthew : Oh quite the contrary, I am more in touch with my cultural heritage than most Indians. While I may not speak Tamil, I am familiar with India’s historical development, varying caste systems, the Indian Cultural Revolution and the Indian Diaspora dilemma. So you see, while I may not fit your rudimentary definition of “Indian”, I am more Indian than most!
Neil : You're quite right old chap. I'm terribly sorry. But tell me, why do you live in England then?

Matthew : Why the bloody hell not? It is my motherland after all.

After such examples, your clarity and identification of the NQM should have improved exponentially. However, if you are still having trouble identifying NQMs, please study the Seven Statutes of the Not-Quite-Malaysian:

1. Thou shalt not speak your mother tongue (if you do, feign ignorance)
2. Thou shalt reject all ethnic traditions and customs (only Christmas is allowed)
3. Thou shalt dress in foreign inspired attire (not necessarily fashionably)
4. Thou shalt spend time in foreign country (at least a year)
5. Thou shalt develop and maintain foreign accent (you are allowed to combine different elements)
6. Thou shalt only embrace foreign influences (music, art, movies, books)
7. Thou shalt claim you are “A citizen of the world”

Perhaps now you comprehend why Malaysians are so conflictedly rich in culture. This is why they follow British English rules, watch American TV programs and speak in Australian accents. It also explains why some ethnicities dress like they were transplanted from South Central, are avid fans of Japanese culture (future post) or only eat Western food. Besides the personal satisfaction that Malaysian people derive from such efforts, it is also to make you, the foreigner feel at home. So next time you see a Malaysian person doing a spastic impression of Justin Timberlake, you should feel honored that he is trying to make you feel comfortable in your strange surroundings.

Take the time to digest this information. For a true blue Malaysian, this can be overwhelming at first. But once you have realigned your perception and liberated yourself from domestic trappings, you too can be on your way to becoming a proud and worldly Not-Quite-Malaysian!

Malaysian Problems- Parking

2008-08-02T09:18:00.008+08:00

The Article:

"Indiscriminate Parking Everywhere In City". Metro Central. The Star Online. July 31st, 2008.

The Problem:

What should you do when you encounter an inconvenient parking situation?

The Solution:

The presence of a vehicle obstructing the path of yours can be an unpleasant experience, especially if no contact number is left for you to request the person to move said obstruction. There are several options for you to pursue, with varying degrees of extremity.

First, you can manually move the car that is blocking yours by releasing the handbrake and pushing it into a more strategic position. The means by which you acquire access to the inside of the car is entirely up to you but blunt, steel objects work best.

Secondly, you could call the respective municipal council or contact the nearest law enforcers to assist you in such a predicament. It is their civic duty to ensure traffic laws are adhered to and if need be, administer punitive measures. Realistically though, you are better off waiting for the Apocalypse to happen.

The last option is the path most taken by the average Malaysian, that is to stand by waiting and complain to whoever will listen to you. This diatribe will foreseeably last until the owner of the hindrance arrives, with a sheepish look on his face and nary an apology. He will drive away. So will you. You both live to park another day.

Conclusion:

Drive less. Avoid popular areas. But if you must, store metal objects in your car for facilitation of moving obstructions. For passive-aggressive individuals, seek therapy on scheduled basis.

Further Reading:

#25 SMS

2008-07-31T02:28:00.012+08:00

SMS, or texting as it is known in some parts of the world, is an integral part of the Malaysian person's identity and lifestyle. As a whole, Malaysians send over 20 billion text messages annually. The acronym "SMS" stands for Shortcut Malaysian Syndrome.

It is a well known fact that Asian people are non-confrontational by nature. This trait is prominent in Malaysian people as they constantly seek the least offensive, simplest, cheapest and most laconic way to convey rejection, disappointment or a "courtesy excuse". In fact, Malaysians have proven to be most ingenious with their usage of SMS. To illustrate this point, observe the following SMS conversations:

Bruce Weng : We r meeting l8er 4 drinks. Leave ball n chain @ home. Dun bring sand 2 d beach! LOL wat is ur status?

Harvey Tang: Negative, gf dun let. Permission denied.

Bruce Weng : LMAO! Ok, ur loss. Over.

Using SMS to deliver breaking news is also very popular:

Oi Lee: Petrol price go up 80 cent at 12 midnite. Go refuel now!

Or to disseminate jokes:

Brook : What did the gay politician say to his assistant?

Beck : I'm right behind you.

It is also permissible for a Malaysian man to divorce his wife through use of SMS. Observe the following text transcript:

Mohd Sayfool : I wan divorce u. Take note, ya..

Siti Hazmat : Wat?? C u in court.

Mohd Sayfool : No need, this is legal Shariah court ruling. Thx, bye!

The use of SMS is not restricted to difficult situations alone, in fact Malaysians consider texting a pasttime. It is not uncommon to see Malaysian people texting at the cinema, while eating or as they multitask behind the wheel. The manner in which a Malaysian person texts is also a distinguishing skill. To text with the fewest amount of characters possible is a proficiency developed in patience over time (eg. "OTW, wait4me", "CU thr", "Bk!") and you must be able to decipher the text lest you be labelled as "uncool" or "blur". It is also desirable to have a loud message alert tone so others are notified as to the amount of messages you receive which symbolise your popularity.

The most salient display of Malaysian people's affinity for SMS can be seen during local reality show campaigns. Malaysians are most generous in their SMS contributions to ensure their favourite contestants win the competition. It would be an understatement to say that these Malaysians are fanatical in their support. If their favourite should lose, they will spout conspiracy theories ("It's not fair, her Dad must have used his connections.") and conduct post mortems extensively ("They only kept her in to make money, they were never going to let her win!"). This of course, is something you can exploit to your advantage by simply saying "I'm pissed she didn't win, I voted for her too!".

By now, you should have surmised that in order to initiate a budding relationship with a Malaysian person, all you have to do is start with a simple text message; "Hi! Can we b frens ;-)??".

Malaysian People In The News- 29th July 2008

2008-07-29T15:33:00.008+08:00

Sabah's Obama Link
By The Star Online (Metro)
28th July 2008

Obama Has Links To Malaysia
By Soo Ewe Jin
The Star Online
21st July 2008

Summary

Konrad Ng, whose family hails from Sabah, is married to Barack Obama's half sister. The Malaysian media has of course covered this story with great relish.

Best Quotes

In the past, the US presidential elections had never captured the attention of 60-year-old David Ng Ma Foh.

But now, every word said and every progress made by Democratic presidential hopeful Barrack Obama is read and digested by David, who has never felt strongly about a US presidential election or president hopeful until now.

David said that many of his relatives were following the US presidential elections and were proud that Dr Konrad was related to a very popular candidate.

“We hope Obama will win,” said David, adding that none of the family members here had met Maya or Obama

Dr Konrad Ng is amused that his Malaysian roots got noticed halfway round the world, thanks to his link to Democrat candidate Barack Obama.

Stuff Mentioned

My thanks to the anonymous reader who pointed this out.

Do you have an article that prominently features Malaysian people? If you find something that you think mentions a lot of the stuff that Malaysian people like please send the link to nigel_lkb@yahoo.com with “Malaysian People In the News” as the title. If your story is selected, we will credit you and post a link to your site if you so desire.

#24 Melbourne

2008-07-25T00:01:00.035+08:00

Melbourne, Australia is highly favoured by Malaysian people for a plethora of reasons. The city is one of the most cosmopolitan in Australia and Melbourne itself contains the largest number of Malaysians at approximately 30, 000.

Rest assured that Melbourne, along with Bali are safe and surefire conversation topics with Malaysian people. We will now examine the reasons that Melbourne is one of the most desired cities Malaysians go to to achieve the Malaysian Dream.

Given the comparatively favourable distance and exchange rate compared to the UK and the US, Australia has remained top on Malaysian people's list for foreign education. Most Malaysians first encounter Melbourne in their varsity years as they go over there to enroll in the many fine institutions the city has to offer. This influx of students over the past decade has therefore lead to a rise in Malaysian people taking up residency in Melbourne after they complete their studies.

Melbourne has many merits as a city; its rich cultural heritage, diversity, affordable cost of living, thriving seaport & automotive industry and so forth. All these factors contribute to the Malaysian person's pride of the city but in truth, they don't really matter all that much. It is only important that those things exist so that they can be used for small talk or to show off to other Malaysians. Paramount to a Malaysian's choice to live there is of course, other Malaysians (although they would never admit this).

The presence of their ilk, whether as students or working class citizens, brings great comfort to Malaysians. This means they can speak Manglish, eat Malaysian food and act out their usual Malaysian idiosyncrasies whilst occasionally rubbing shoulders with White people. Should a dalliance with a White person turn into something more substantial (ideally marriage), this would mean a Malaysian's mission in life has been accomplished and their Malaysian Dream would be complete.

Acquiring residency or citizen status in Melbourne is a proud and defining moment in the Malaysian person's life. It opens the door to a myriad of opportunities (Part-Time Malaysian status) and privileges. Chief among them is the fact that they can return home annually to tell their relatives and friends (in newly acquired Australian accent) how wonderful everything is overseas and that they should consider migrating too. Naturally, everyone will be impressed and get excited at the thought of doing so while the Melburnian Malaysian basks smugly in his accomplishment. This of course, will contrast sharply with the Malaysian's sentiments once returning to face the inclement weather and daily grind in Melbourne.

When partaking in a conversation with a Malaysian regarding Melbourne, you must be careful not to mention Sydney. Although Malaysians have an immense sense of pride for their adopted city, they are also very insecure and any implication that Melbourne is inferior to Sydney's size, pace and more modern provisions will put them in a state of depression.

If however you have committed this mea culpa, it is very easy to reverse the negative effect. Ask the Melburnian Malaysian what they think of other Australian cities like Brisbane, Perth or Adelaide. They will immediately launch into a spiel of how those cities are backwards, ethnically challenged and devoid of character. This will enable them to reaffirm their superiority and leave the conversation with a positive feeling about themselves and (to a lesser extent) you.

#23 The Cinema

2008-07-21T21:46:00.017+08:00

Malaysian people love going to the cinema. It goes hand in hand with their affinity for shopping malls and provides them with an affordable source of entertainment. A trip to the cinema also provides Malaysian people with afterthoughts, conversation points and activities for the following week. Trips to the cinema are fundamental to the personal development of Malaysian people.

The desired Malaysian cinematic experience must revolve around a new movie. This is essential because the Malaysian person must be able to claim he is the first to watch the movie. Being among the first to watch a new movie and claiming so is a momentous occasion in the life of the Malaysian person. It is a story he will relate over the course of many years. It is even better if tickets for the new movie are acquired through media contacts or competitions because the Malaysian person will be able to show his extensive networking and ingenuity (and also cost efficiency).

The Malaysian cinema experience must include a gallery of characters that enhance the movie's enjoyability. The usual suspects include; the film connoisseur who will audibly critique the movie's every frame and scene ("The director could have done better here, more is less when it comes to pathos."), the sound technician who feels the need to amplify the movie's scenes with loud gasps and piercing laughter, the mobile messenger who is inseparable from his cellphone and needs everyone to realise his importance and the amorous duo eager to outdo the onscreen paramours. It is not advised that you reprimand or display any form of contempt for these cinemaphiles because their presence provides the DVD and Blu-Ray industry with a reason to proliferate.

The movie itself, is not the reason why Malaysian people go to the cinema. It is the post cinematic experience that Malaysians enjoy the most as opposed to the movie. Assuming they have been one of the few to watch a new movie, they now have to conduct a concerted effort to inform others of their privilege. They will also provide biting commentary and incisive reviews based on popular sites such as IMDB which contains movie ratings from celluloid experts much like themselves. If this person has a blog, it would provide optimum effect and maximum exposure. In fact, attending an advanced screening of a movie is a great reason to start a blog to relate the Malaysian's experience to the world at large. Malaysians are natural and sophisticated auteurs as well as critics of movies. The world would be less enlightened if their opinions were not made available publicly. Who better to wax lyrical on the merits of character development vs. sweeping cinematography than the 14 year old girl next door?

Among the things the Malaysian person will critique are the movie's actors ("He was too stiff, I think Keanu would've been better suited to exhibit some emotional depth"), the setting ("I think the cold, dark tone contrasted strongly with the hedonism of the `70s"), the script ("Where was the plot going? I think they lost direction halfway through") and basically anything they can criticise that will make them sound smart. It is also important for a Malaysian to be able to paraphrase lines from the movie and pass them off as their own ("You DO NOT talk about Thai Club") as well as relate how their life is similar to the character in the movie ("Oh. My. God. It's sooo like my life right now. It's all so drama, but all so real. Seriously").

Given the thriving pirated DVD business in Malaysia, film studios must release movies before industrious pirates do. This therefore allows Malaysians the opportunity to watch movies even before the country from where the film originates. Of course, this is a huge significance and point of pride which you must acknowledge as well as the Malaysian's undisputed judgement of a movie which is nothing short of philosophical.

Malaysian People In The News- 21st July 2008

2008-07-21T00:38:00.007+08:00

Maya Karin To Marry English Beau Next Month
By Jo Teh and Faslika Das
The Star Online
5th July 2008

Summary

Local celebrity Maya Karin announces her impending nuptials to her British beau, Steven Shorthose of seven years. Their wedding will be held in Bellagio, Italy on August 9th and 14th 2008.

Best Quote

"Steven, 38, from Liverpool, England, who converted to Islam four years ago, is known by his Muslim name Muhammad Ali, after the famous boxer. He now teaches Maths at The Alice Smith School in Seri Kembangan".

Asked to describe Steven, Maya said she likes him because “he is really funny and understanding”.

“He makes me laugh and compromises with my work schedule plus he has waited for me for seven years!” she said cheekily.

Stuff Mentioned

#22 Short Term Memory

2008-07-14T23:18:00.013+08:00

Malaysian people have a unique memory that is both selective and temporary in its capacity. While Malaysians possess great focus and insight for current issues, this focalization can disappear overnight and the topic will never be heard of again.

Malaysians are generally inquisitive and can provide esoteric theories (see post #2) of the latest issues that captivate the nation. Current issues entail mistreatment of Mongolian emissaries, feuding statesmen and backdoor entry policies. However, even these incidents will soon be bygones in the minds of Malaysians, almost as if they did not exist.

People in Malaysia are also generally forgetful of the things they say or do. This is most advantageous when such discrepancies come back to haunt them. Commonly heard phrases "I don't remember _____" and "Looks like me, sounds like me, but I forgot _____". After dismissing credible proof and evidence, efforts will be made to ensure all notion and history which discredits them will be swept under the carpet.

The Malaysian person's limited capacity for memory is such that a former Prime Minister of Malaysia wrote a now famous poem entitled "Melayu Mudah Lupa" (Malays Forget Easily) which has now entered the annals of Malaysian polemic literature. Ironically, said Prime Minister now experiences memory loss when questioned about dubious developments.

The Malaysian memory is therefore a medical marvel/mystery illness that biologically works in their favor and it is blasphemous for you to question their version of events.

Don't forget to remember that.

#21 Wang Leehom

2008-07-14T21:03:00.012+08:00

In a country as diverse as Malaysia, it is difficult to identify a celebrity that is multilaterally loved by all. However, Wang Leehom is that one such artist who transcends race, religion and language.

Wang Leehom is an American Born Chinese (ABC) singer/actor who first found fame in Taiwan before whipping the whole of Asia into a fanatic frenzy. His forte is music that evokes heartwrenching emotions and oozes overwrought sentimentality which appeals immensely to Asians. Although his credentials merit the adulation he receives, we must examine why Malaysians adore him.

Firstly, he is an Asian who was raised in the States and has Western influences in his craft. He therefore embodies the Malaysian dream of growing up abroad, being Westernized and having a foreign education. This also earns him points with non-Chinese Malaysians who can't relate to other Taiwanese artists like Jay Chou. Secondly, Malaysia has been one of his most frequent concert sites which only serves to endear him more to Malaysians. But the most redeeming factors are his highly lauded 2004 duet with local songbird Siti Nurhaliza and the fact that he filmed the Ang Lee helmed movie; "Lust, Caution" in Ipoh, Malaysia. These events gave Malaysians reasons to be proud of the country (and relate it to themselves).

Wang Leehom's influence is such that his face can not only be seen on pirated CDs/DVDs and kitschy memorabilia, but his voice is also channeled through ardent karaoke practitioners throughout the country (for critical evidence of this, click here).

#20 Hitz FM

2008-07-11T09:10:00.010+08:00

Paramount to the Malaysian person’s identity is his/her taste in music (see post #7). To evaluate a Malaysian’s music repertoire, one must also consider the factor of public radio stations. Public radio stations in Malaysia are limited at best, but offer choices for varying demographics. For the past decade or so, one radio station has pervaded local airwaves and dominated the aural attention of listeners; Hitz FM. Hitz FM proclaims itself to be “Malaysia’s No.1 hit station” through sophisticated research founded on baseless claims. Their coverage is such that they have even established their own TV channel showcasing overhyped and underdeveloped local talents as well as their effusive and affected disc jockeys.

Hitz FM is not so much a radio station as it is a pre-programmed record player. Their revolutionary strategy to win over listeners is to play the same Top 40 songs on a rotation basis every four hours or so. Although many have lamented this repetitive format, Hitz FM still retains its listener base because Malaysians are predictable and still tune in despite their complaints. Besides their pre-determined playlists, Hitz FM incorporates ingenious and original programs into their routine. One such program is the trite and tested prank call which always succeeds in bemusing the victim and listeners due to its sheer inanity.

The DJs Hitz FM employ are also crucial to their success. Banking on Malaysians veneration of foreign elements, Hitz FM capitalises on this by hiring DJs with exotic accents that captivate and convince the average listener. This foreign policy also extends to the “local” talents showcased by Hitz FM in their media efforts (see post #10 for more information). The element of pretence is extremely vital to the station’s success because Malaysians aspire to be as hip and urbane as possible, which is thereby reflected in their choice of auditory channels.

In your efforts to determine how “Malaysian” a person is, the choice of radio channel is your most indicative insight. The truly Malaysian person will only have Hitz Fm playing on his radio to show that he is into mainstream music, has no independent thoughts of his own and enjoys being part of the popular mass majority (see post #11). These Malaysian traits have been duly identified and capitalised on by Hitz FM thereby retaining their place as the premier radio station.

To connect with a true Malaysian, say how much you dig the Morning Crew’s antics and that you once aspired to be a DJ in your youth. This will put you in good standing with the Malaysian as they recollect how they too harboured such fanciful thoughts while getting their daily dose of Malaysia’s most ostentatious radio station.

Further insight on Hitz FM here.

#19 Asking About Money

2008-07-11T08:33:00.005+08:00

One topic of discourse the Malaysian person enjoys indubitably is money. This includes asking others how much money they make, how much they paid for something, what their monthly expenses are, etc. Despite the sensitive and private nature of money to some people, Malaysians will not hesitate to prod and peruse the financial aspect of other people’s lives on a daily basis.

Inquiring about money is essential to the Malaysian’s self-confidence and assessment of others. By having intimate knowledge of someone’s earnings, the Malaysian can determine his and said person’s comparative ranking in the unseen social hierarchy. The general rule of thumb is: more money=higher status (foreigners and celebrities are exempt from this rule). Having knowledge that someone makes less money than himself gives the Malaysian great pride and assurance. However, should the Malaysian meet someone earning more money than he, his mind will be wracked with turmoil and will not rest until he reaches justification that the other person earns more because of unscrupulous methods (“I know! He must be having an affair with his boss. No one makes that much at my age!”).

Although most Malaysians can be cajoled into revealing their finances after awhile, there are some who remain steadfast in their reticence. No amount of coaxing will persuade them to loosen their restraint. This would be perfectly respectable except for the fact that the most secretive Malaysian will also be the most inquisitive.

This inquisitive Malaysian who refuses to reveal any information whatsoever regarding their money matters will nonetheless interrogate others about their fiscal situation. This type of Malaysian takes great pleasure in pursuing private information of others while retaining their own. After acquiring the facts and figures of others, the inquisitive Malaysian conducts his own assessment and evaluation. His treatment and judgment of the people whose information he possesses will then be based on the rating scale he has set in his mind.

If you encounter a Malaysian who is insistent on extracting your profit and loss statement, fabricate a figure that will leave him floundering (“I make $300k a month and I don’t even have to go to the office!”). This will leave the Malaysian flabbergasted and the knowledge will haunt him day and night. He will not bother you anymore out of insecurity, until he self-surmises that your money is the result of ill gotten gains or money laundering at which point he can feel good about himself again.

#18 IKEA

2008-07-08T22:59:00.011+08:00

In line with the high regard they have for all things foreign, Malaysians have accorded IKEA with an unassailable position in their hearts and living rooms. From avant garde disposable lamps to collapsible chartreuse cupboards, the pursuit of the IKEA catalogue lifestyle has never been more salient.

Whilst this threatens to homogenize homes across the country and put domestic furnishers out of business, Malaysians throw caution to the wind and head to IKEA every weekend to purchase "that one item" that will make their homes, and lives complete.

By delving into the psyche of the Malaysian, one deduces that despite their quest to achieve a higher and unique social status, in reality they find comfort in homogeneity and collectivism. Although they desire to appear as individuals with good taste, Malaysians are actually consoled by the fact that thousands of others own the same paraphernalia as them thus affirming their choices and beliefs. This psychoanalysis also reveals that Malaysians relate empty space in their homes with the emptiness of their souls that they hope can be filled by Swedish furniture.

The weekend IKEA experience has emerged as a family bonding session where families brave the humidity, traffic and fellow shoppers to look for more stuff to fill their homes with. The IKEA shopper aggressively pursues ornaments and upholstery they believe will give their homes a sense of "elegance and sophistication". The experience is also not complete without consumption of Swedish gastronomic staples that are deemed exotic and quaint but prepared by local culinary talents.

If you enter a Malaysian's home and notice their IKEA adornments, commend them on the exactness of their humble abode to this month's catalogue. This will give your Malaysian hosts great pleasure and they will regard you as their new best friend.

Further insight on IKEA here.

#17 Being Late

2008-07-06T23:04:00.019+08:00

Been waiting long? Get used to it. You've just been a victim of Malaysian timing. While other countries and cultures might have their own standards for tardiness, Malaysians definitely take the cake for being off time all the time.

While it may be customary sometimes to wait for your friends or acquaintances, Malaysians have set new standards for being consistently late. In fact, if you should make an appointment with a Malaysian, be there 30 minutes or one hour later than the time you actually scheduled. Even if you are a foreigner, Malaysians expect you to know their coded version of timing.

This problem with punctuality permeates Malaysian culture to the point that phrases such as "I'm on the way, on the way!" and "Nearby, almost there" are the most commonly heard sentences in and around the country. Malaysians will be late for job interviews, work, movies, dinner, periods you name it. However, there is an exception made for occasions that pertain free gifts or goods of any nature. These events normally evoke the early bird in Malaysians.

Given the perpetual dilatory of Malaysians, one would expect valid and even original excuses. Yet, the conciliations remain the same; traffic, work, bad directions, traffic again (both sides of highway). But what even Malaysians don't know, is that they are really late because subconsciously they enjoy the knowledge that they are the center of attention and that people are waiting for them. It makes them feel good to know people anxiously await their presence and they will milk every last possible second until they arrive (once they do, they will feign a profusely apologetic stance). By doing this, they create the illusion that they are too important to show up on time because they are busy juggling the hundreds of other events in their lives. This constant lateness lowers punctuality expectations and on a day that they actually turn up on time, their friends will be ever so grateful to them for it ("It's so thoughtful of you to show up AND be on time today!").

Malaysians also secretly revel in the fact that they have gained leverage on others because they were waited for instead of waiting for ("Yes!! I made them wait for me, suckers! I have the upper hand"). Being late is also a refined skill, like arriving late for dinner (to skip the small talk) just as the food is being served. This gives them great pleasure and allows them to personify the term "fashionably late" (although this is an oxymoron for most Malaysians).

#16 Blogs

2008-07-03T21:56:00.041+08:00

The presence of the Internet has been both a blessing and a curse for Malaysians. Malaysians who were once repressed now have an outlet to air their feelings and thoughts through blogs. On the other hand, everyone who is anyone can air their opinions online and call themselves "writers" in their attempts to make a quick buck and get on the fast track to fame.

The Malaysian blogosphere has different standards for men and women. First we shall explore the types of blogs females keep. The typical blog kept by a young female Malaysian is her first stab at airing her emotions and thoughts which in the old days, were written in a diary. The impetus for her blog is normally a traumatic break up or a dearth of attention from society. The first type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Visual Aid" blogger. The Visual Aid blogger chronicles her life as a social butterfly, fluttering from one hip party to another and illustrates this with an endless stream of enticing pictures which are photoshopped to create dazzling cinematic effects. The Visual Aider also delights in telling you about her perfect boyfriend and how he does perfect things for her in their perfect little life. Until they break up of course, which will then result in the Visual Aider writing a long, melodramatic and grammatically challenged soliloquy. (Don't worry, they'll reconcile within two days.)

The advantage of this type of blog is that one need not be encumbered by intellectual or even grammatical deficiencies, all you need are pleasing aesthetics, a cameraman and a dictionary. Occasionally, the Visual Aider will use some words in between the pictures but this is nothing to worry about. This is to show that she is not only beautiful but also intelligent and is smart enough to incorporate puns or jokes she found using Google. This form of blog is the most popular kind in Malaysia. Some have even evolved from pure bloggers to C-list celebrities through their forays into the entertainment industry. If their vivid imagery and clever use of the thesaurus doesn't generate enough traffic, they resort to starting blog wars with other female bloggers.

The other type of female blogger is what we shall call the "Intellectual Idealist". The Intellectual Idealist does not share the Visual Aider's fondness for attention and photography but feels the burning need to vent her frustrations and dissatisfaction with the world at large through her vagina monologues. She is opinionated, very well read (Austen is her favourite author of course), has lofty ambitions and great expectations of her future partner (if he should ever come). Their blogs frequently contain phrases such as "I just haven't found a man who can fulfill my intellectual and emotional needs" or "I believe in true love. On my own terms". These tortured Intellectuals generally intimidate the average Malaysian man and represent the largest customer segment for Malaysian bookstores. They also have the potential of either becoming bitter old spinsters or members of Parliament.

Men on the other hand, are very straightforward when it comes to blogs. Due to the fact that Malaysian men generally don't read (blogs), when they do it's only for appreciation & stimulation purposes. The only niche for male bloggers to succeed is by running a personal blog that ridicules oneself and provides crude humor to the public. Alternately, you could provide a blog dispensing information on IT and technological devices, politics (high risk) or food. But bear in mind you will never garner as much traffic as Visual Aid blogs. This is because the value of blogs in Malaysia are determined not by their content, but by the traffic they generate. It is important to note that Malaysian blog readers are very loyal to the bloggers they idolise and would not dream of reading other blogs unless they have been told to do so by the ruling blogosphere elite.

It is imperative that you recognise a Malaysian blogger's efforts as nothing short of Pulitzer Prize material and that his or her musings are profoundly insightful. Anything short of pedestal placing on your part will result in a very negative post dedicated to you. Honest to blog.

Further reading on Internet phenomenon here and here.

Facebook Group- Malaysianisms

2008-07-02T13:00:00.012+08:00

Dear readers,

Thanks to your tremendous support of Malaysianisms, we have started an official Facebook group for this blog under "Malaysianisms- Stuff Malaysian People Like". It's an open group for everyone to share their own Malaysianisms and we would love for all of you to join. Spread the word and enlighten your friends!

Click here for the group.

Happy reading!

B.H.

#15 Going To The Gym

2008-07-01T18:21:00.008+08:00

The pursuit of fitness and a healthy lifestyle has never been more prevalent in Malaysia, what with the sporadically growing number of gyms and fitness centers with thousands of people who patron them. While these attempts to achieve a sense of well being are certainly commendable, the underlying reasons are less than genuine. To most, a gym membership is simply a license to proudly exclaim "I'm going to the gym!".

Women, visit the gym to alleviate their guilt over their weight and don't actually do much exercise at the gym. But the mere knowledge of their membership allows them to overindulge at meals ("It's ok, I can have this, I'll just work it off at the gym tomorrow!") and share anecdotes with friends and colleagues ("I'm going to the gym every damn day but I 'm not losing any weight! But on the bright side, I met this really cute guy").

Men, visit the gym to satisfy their partners demands and portray the image that they have a well balanced life ("Dude, I hit the gym everyday after 12 hours at work. My body is a frickin' temple and it deserves to be worshipped!"). And of course, the opportunity to prey on insecure women with facetious praise ("You're on a diet? No way. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"). Having a gym membership basically allows both sexes the subconscious freedom to overeat, smoke and abuse their bodies while retaining their right to complain about their busy lifestyles ("Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a well-rounded perfectionist. Seriously, I have no time for anyone anymore").

This trend looks set to stay given the competitive nature of Malaysians to outdo one another and tendency to self-promote whenever possible. To capitalise on this, ply the Malaysian with admiration and praise ("Your gym sessions are really paying off. I could never manage my time as well as you"). This will fill the Malaysian with the acknowledgement and self-satisfaction that they desperately crave and reassures them that they are oh-so-special.

#14 Part-Time Malaysians

2008-06-29T21:50:00.011+08:00

Malaysians are fiercely patriotic and supportive citizens. These qualities are prominent in relation to Malaysians residing in foreign countries who rise to prominence in the public eye. These part-time Malaysians who achieve celebrity status will be shown the full support of a country who usually turn a blind eye to domestic troubles or pleas for help but recognise that a famous person's dilemmas are much more dire.

The Part-Time Malaysian faces a quandary unlike Full-Time Malaysians. This is because they are merely Malaysian by birth or ancestral roots but have never really associated with the country itself. To repent for their lack of national affiliation, the Part-Time Malaysian will seek to enrich the country with his artistic or commercial contributions. Malaysians will then rejoice and revel in the discovery of another home grown-overseas talent they can tell everyone about ("Did you know Jimmy Choo is Malaysian? Yeah, Malaysians are really fashionable. We're like, his inspiration for ideas.")

Malaysians are even very accepting of foreigners who want to take up Part-Time status. That is why they have the "Malaysia My Second Home Programme". Of course, this is subject to which country you derive from. Alternatively, you could date a Malaysian celebrity and earn "Datukship" (the Malaysian equivalent of a Knighthood) status. Once again, this depends on which country you come from and your nationality.

Such reverence shown to Part-Time Malaysians would raise question marks with casual observers as to the intelligence of Malaysians. But of course, Malaysians will respond that Part-Timers deserve such idolation and championing due to their efforts in putting Malaysia on the map. Just don't ask them what happens after the 15 minutes of fame are up.

#13 Bali

2008-06-28T16:59:00.018+08:00

Though there may be certain issues that divide Malaysians, the one subject that brings them all together is Bali. All Malaysians will at one point or another in their lives, visit the Indonesian island of Bali. The geographic proximity and generous exchange rate make it an attractive destination for Malaysians, not to mention the fact that Malaysians are more highly regarded on the island as opposed to their status at Western vacation spots.

All Malaysians who have visited the island for holiday will return with the exact same experience but believe theirs to be unique, profound and "life changing". The Malaysian will then proceed to bore his friends with stories and pictures of failed surfing attempts, temple visitations, fungi induced bouts of hallucination and of course, shopping.

Malaysians love Bali for various reasons, but chief among them is the fact that they can return home to relate how all the culture and symbolism gave them an epiphany on how they should enjoy the simplicities of life and not chase material obsessions. They will also tell you that at sometime in the future they wish to retire to live in a house by the beach in Bali and run a surf shop. This newly acquired perspective normally lasts until someone else comes back from Bali with their own inspiring story. The person who went earlier will then lament that Bali is now too commercialized, bland and "full of tourists".

When encountering a situation in which you need to start a conversation with a Malaysian, mention that you have never been to Bali before and would very much like to go. They will then rattle on about their favourite Balinese food/drink ("I acquired a taste for Bintang beer while I was there, it's the only kind I drink now") or their take on Balinese culture ("The nightlife in Kuta is way more vibrant than ours. Nights out just aren't the same for me anymore") but it will be completely about them. This is to your advantage as you do not need to speak and they will like you for letting them talk about themselves as well as allowing them to feel superior to you since you have not been to Bali.

If you have been somewhere more exotic and unexplored than Bali, don't mention it as you will ruin the Malaysian's moment.

#12 American TV Shows

2008-06-27T10:19:00.008+08:00

While Malaysians have an ongoing love affair with most things foreign, they reserve a special place in their hearts and minds for mainstream American TV programmes ("Get Lost, cos I'm busy watching it."). The U.S. TV show is often the Malaysian's first encounter with American culture and is religiously followed by viewers of any demographic.

Despite the fact that these TV shows showcase unlikely characters and excessive melodrama, the Malaysian accepts the TV show as unquestionable gospel and it shapes his/her perception of America while fueling criticism of the Malaysian equivalent. "Sigh...my doctor looks more McSleazy than McSteamy" can often be overheard at hospital waiting areas.

The U.S. TV programme is integral to a generation of Malaysians seeking to adopt an identity more desirable and exciting than their own. In attempts to incorporate elements of popular TV shows into their lives, each group of friends will have the following designated stereotypes: "the fashionable cosmogirl", "the smart and sensitive one", "the charming ladies man", "the ditzy girl with the big heart" or "the control freak with an embarrassing past". If anyone should stray from the predetermined labels they will be asked to leave the group. This is why you have the "Which Friends character are you?" application on Facebook to check yourself.

The influence of American TV on Malaysians cannot be disregarded especially when you hear schoolgirls sounding like they're from the Upper East Side or when your office secretary tells you ugly is the new pretty. American TV also sets the benchmark for most people's expectations ("My boyfriend must have all the qualities of Seth Cohen", "Hey, how come my GP doesn't walk with a cane or make snide comments?" ). If you are still skeptical of American TV's influence on Malaysian culture, just keep your ears peeled for the next time you hear "How you doin'?", "XOXO" and the most annoyingly overused term of all: "Seriously."

#11 Jumping On The Bandwagon @ Kiasuism

2008-06-25T14:58:00.019+08:00

Although Malaysia is a vastly diverse country with considerable culture, there is a searing need to jump on the bandwagon or ape the latest trend that penetrates the local hemisphere and is deemed "cool" by self proclaimed local taste makers. In local terms, this trait is called "kiasu", a Hokkien term denoting fear of losing out.

Malaysians are not discerning when it comes to the trends they adopt and obsess over. The only requisites are that said trend/fad must come from foreign places and that it is hip in the eyes of their peers. Whether this is a new food establishment, fashion trend or even worshipping of celebrities (see previous post #10) & bloggers (future post), all Malaysians will move towards it like moths to a flame if it serves their ego and improves others' perception of them.

Some recent trends or developments favored by Malaysians: supporting newly successful foreign football teams, wearing scarves and skinny jeans (weather apparently does not deter fashionistas/victims), queueing for hours for popular donuts from otherwise ordinary establishment and promoting a certain cause or petititon which they don't really know much about (online support of releasing political prisoners makes you appear both anti-establishment and cool, depite the fact that you don't really care and would deny it completely should the federal authorities approach you).

This speaks volumes of the average Malaysian's insecurities that they are not contemporary or worldly enough. Now this is where you can take advantage of the situation for your own amusement or benefit. Put on your most convincing face and say to a Malaysian, "Y'know, the Urkel look is really hip in the States. It combines a sense of wholesomeness, nostalgia and intelligence. Everyone is digging it". Now sit back and be amused as the Malaysian rethinks his entire wardrobe.

But if you want to turn their insecurities into you own personal gain, try something like this; "Hey guys, have you checked out my blog recently? I used to be under the radar but I'm getting insane traffic these days and all these celebrity bloggers like XXX and AAA are saying how smart and witty I am. I think my blog is going to go global". You can now pat yourself on the back for a sly use of namedropping and reap the benefits. Enjoy.

*Caution: Constant manipulation of bandwagonners will cause them to develop schizophrenia or loss of identity. Proceed with care.

#10 Local Celebrities

2008-06-23T21:14:00.011+08:00

Malaysians have a strong affinity for their local celebrities, so much so that a new one is born every minute. There are only two criteria for achieving celebrity status in Malaysia; mixed blood and/or good looks (talent is not necessary but would be a bonus). Foreigners with the faintest Malaysian roots or lineage are increasingly aware of this and thus head back to the country they always heard about from their parents at family dinners and bedtime stories.

The typical career progression for a hybrid Malaysian celebrity takes the following path:

1. Debut: star in a locally produced drama or comedy while modelling in local magazines
2. Ascension: host a series of trite and tested reality shows or music programs (borrowed foreign TV format), host short lived talk show
3.Stagnation: participate and/or headline local theater productions plus TV commercials for stuff no one wants
4. Decline: when looks fade and star wanes, head to radio stations and emcee at local events like university proms or Secretary's Day
5. Demise: where careers go to die; contributor to magazine and newspaper articles/ last resort: open tacky and pretentious, overpriced restaurant

Born and bred Malaysian celebrities seem to have more staying power compared to their hybrid counterparts. Although they too first find their fame in reality TV shows and TV soap operas, they have an added element to their celebritydom: scandals.

The truly Malaysian celebrity only achieves full fledged star status when he or she makes the front page and headlines of local press publications with a scandal. What kind scandal will elevate them to superstar status? Sex of course.

Many a Malaysian celebrity has been embroiled in some sordid affair which gets drawn out in the media and remains the hot topic on the average Malaysian's list. Unfortunately this reflects on the Malaysian's need to live vicariously through others' lives and has undertones of sexual repression.

Recently however, Malaysians have looked elsewhere to crown new celebrities. Where, you ask? Right here, cyberspace! What else do you think this blog (and thousands of others) are for?

#9 Taking Pictures

2008-06-21T22:41:00.009+08:00

A true Malaysian never misses out on the opportunity to participate in some flash photography. No matter the occasion or location, the Malaysian is always well equipped to snap a picture for posterity (flashing the peace sign is mandatory, not optional).

Malaysians will and must record digital memories in spite of ruining the vibe or not being able to fully enjoy an experience because they have to pose for that Kodak moment. Watching the sunset? Hang on, let me whip out my SLR. Going snorkeling? Not without a waterproof camera you don't.

The inexorable need to take pictures can be explained by the practical nature of the Malaysian ("Now we can show our relatives where we spent the holidays") as well as the desire to share experiences ("I sooo have to post this on my blog!"). If one were to dig further into the recesses of the Malaysian's mind, it would infer that this obsessive urge to photograph rests on the need for self-preservation lest they be struck from peoples' minds due to their forgetability.

If you want to strike up a friendship with the Malaysian, ask them if they would take a picture with you. Or better yet, if you could take one of them. Say cheese!

*Further material on taking pictures here.

#8 Complaining

2008-06-21T17:33:00.010+08:00

Malaysians are renowned for their prowess at complaining. One would think complaining orally would be enough but no, Malaysians are more creative with their verbal vitriol. Newspaper articles, radio programs and entire blogs have been set up to facilitate the Malaysian's need to vent.

A peculiar aspect of their complaints is that it is always redundant in nature. "Why is it always so hot?" is one of the more ubiquitous ones despite the permanent hot and humid weather the country experiences all year round. Another example would be "@%$# what's with this traffic today!!" when they go through the same congestion every day. More recently, the increase in fuel prices has prompted Malaysians to complain in unison which they subconsciously hope will reverse the effect of dwindling supply and defy the laws of economics.

When confronted with a situation in which a Malaysian is complaining, never point out that their point is moot. Instead, say "Whoa, I never thought of it that way. You really made an insightful observation." This statement functions in two ways; it assures the Malaysian that they are intelligent and passionate about current affairs. It also allows them to feel that their rants are an enlightening social commentary which has enriched you and is not just verbal diarrhea. Once you have sufficiently inflated the ego of the Malaysian, it is acceptable for you to take advantage by asking them to do your taxes and/or edit your thesis.

#7 Mainstream Music

2008-06-20T17:30:00.005+08:00

Essential to the Malaysian identity is his/her appreciation of mainstream or popular foreign music. What we will identify as the "standard" level Malaysian covets acts such as Kanye West, Justin Timberlake, Coldplay, Maroon 5 and Rihanna. These acts make up the musical landscape of the average music aficionado. The standard level Malaysian attends most foreign artist concerts in Malaysia and purchases or downloads the latest pop releases so he/she can tell their friends all about it ("OMG, OMG you guys SO have to hear Lil Wayne's dope new album!"). Mainstream radio stations have been known to repeat songs on rotation due to the insatiable Malaysian palate for mainstream pop. Foreign music acts now view Malaysia as a pliable market for concerts and merchandising.

If you wish to start a conversation with the standard level Malaysian, just mention how you thought Coldplay's latest album (Coldplay does not appeal only to White People) really resonates with what you're going through right now. This will immediately remind the Malaysian of his or her own situation and how they have their own soundtrack to their lives playing on their iPod while they stare wistfully out the window of their car during a traffic jam, imagining that they are acting out a scene from a movie about their lives.

Mainstream music can also be used to identify and manipulate another type of Malaysian, what we will call the "advanced" level Malaysian (urban teens and yuppies generally). The advanced level Malaysian rejects popular music ("I don't listen to mass manufactured music") and only listens to obscure or independent foreign acts ("I'm really into this French neo-classical outfit now, you wouldn't have heard of it") which have yet to permeate the local music stratosphere. This ties in with their need to feel "unique" and allows them to be "a true individual". Mentioning your adoration of any mainstream music act will cause them to respect you less.

Acceptable acts you can mention to gain "street cred" are Ingrid Michaelson, Sigur Ros, Patrick Park, Sufjan Stevens, etc. Death Cab used to be the default indie band you could reference to show your astute music knowledge but now are considered mainstream (hence not cool). Alternatively, you could pick an unknown band from MySpace which no one likes or has heard of yet, this earns you maximum points with the advanced level Malaysian. Take note that if you harbor mainstream music guilty pleasures, you must suppress all urge to reference them in public. Statements such as "I heart James Blunt!" or "I rock apple bottoms like Fergie, fo shizzle" will destroy all your hard work.

If you have no musical knowledge whatsoever but have entered a conversation with a Malaysian regarding such a topic, just say you have a soft spot for Michael Learns To Rock. No Malaysian can resist this Danish soft rock band, all Malaysians at one point in their lives have owned at least one MLTR album and sang their songs at karaoke night. Some still do.

#6 Shopping

2008-06-19T16:59:00.001+08:00

For some cultures and people, shopping is seen as merely a utilitarian or functional activity to acquire goods, products or services.

Malaysians however, take shopping far, far more seriously. The average Malaysian spends half his time at the mall, effectively making it his or her second home. The copious amount of time spent here does not necessarily correlate with purchases made; the mere notion of shopping is enough to thrill and occupy the Malaysian for hours on end. Malls are therefore built large enough for people to spend the whole day wandering around aimlessly.

The Malaysian does not purchase items without intense scrutiny of quality and price and is a very shrewd consumer. The pinnacle of the Malaysian shopper's experience is the year end Malaysia Mega Sale where the phrase "The whole of Malaysia is on sale!" can be taken literally. This shopping frenzy caused by the sales attracts not only millions of Malaysians, but also foreigners from various countries eager to take advantage of the low prices, variety and exchange rate. This overlooked tourist attraction in fact contributes tremendously to the Malaysian economy as foreigners purchase enough goods for stores to survive until the next sale comes along.

A typical sales event sparks frenzied scenes of people shouting, jostling and rushing to gain leverage over other shoppers. An inexperienced shopper or someone unaccustomed to sales events should never enter such a situation unarmed and unprotected. Rabid shoppers will not hesitate to trample, maul or maim you should you get in their way.

Seasoned, experienced shoppers have mastered the art of shopping over time and are well informed about events even before any form of advertising appears. Expert Malaysian shoppers are wont to compare bargains they acquired and scoff at people who pay more than they did for similar items. The true Malaysian shopper lives by this golden rule; never purchase anything if it isn't on sale.

#5 Food

2008-06-18T14:54:00.003+08:00

Malaysia'a most sacred and precious commodity is it's culinary heritage. In Malaysia; identifying the best food, cooking of food and reviewing it is considered an enlightened art form only undertaken by the most revered gastronomic connoisseurs.

Unfortunately, credibility in Malaysia is very much suspect due to the vast majority of the Malaysian public considering themselves to be leading experts on the authority of food. The smorgasbord of TV shows, media articles, blogs and the like only serve to confound the average person who merely wishes to sift through the product placements and commercialisation to determine where his tastebuds will be tantalised most.

Unbeknownst to other countries, Malaysia's two strongest forms of tourist attractions are food and shopping (a subject to be explored in future). Malaysian food is therefore one of its most noticeable exports to Western countries where ambitious chefs proceed to mangle and butcher recipes to suit the local palate thereby rendering the term "Malaysian food" redundant.

Malaysians are fiercely protective and proud of recipes which are their heritage. Attempts by their neighbours, Singapore, to claim any such delicacies as their own is often met with responses ranging from derision to outrage. One should never say to a Malaysian that the best version of a Malaysian dish you had was not eaten in Malaysia itself. Such statements are sacreligious and will result in very violent outcomes.

#4 Caucasians

2008-06-18T11:43:00.003+08:00

In Malaysia, Caucasians hold a mythic, almost divine status among the locals. The exact reason for such idolatry could be attributed to the country's former status as a British colony, the charms of western influence or it could just be the favourable exchange rate.

Whatever it is, Caucasians know for a fact that they could be white trash or social pariahs wherever they are from but once reaching Malaysian shores, they are treated like royalty. Most Malaysians are dumbstruck when encountering a "kwailo" or "mat salleh" (colloquial terms for white man) and will go out of their way to accommodate them. The white man's origins, occupation or even appearance are not a matter of concern to the average Malaysian. To them, if you're all white you're all right.

For these reasons, Caucasians the world over flock to Malaysia (ASEAN neighbours Thailand, Singapore, etc. share the same fondness for white people) on vacation or to retire to take advantage of this white fever. Caucasians can be seen in places such as Heritage Row, Bangsar, Langkawi Island, Ampang, Hartamas and other affluent areas in Malaysia.

It is very common to see a white man dating a Malaysian female. Curiously enough, all standards and demands which a Malaysian female normally applies to the Malaysian male do not apply to white men. He is not expected to treat her like a living goddess or pay for everything when they are together. When dating a white man, the Malaysian female becomes more independent, emotionally and financially.

However the same cannot be said of the white female and Malaysian male. Such a union is unheard of and there would be catastrophic repercussions on a genealogy level if this should ever occur. The only recorded incident in modern history of an asian male-white female pairing would be Bruce Lee (not Malaysian though) and his wife Linda.

The effect white people have on Malaysians is uncanny; smiles form on reticent faces, unnatural accents develop and manners improve dramatically. This contrasts sharply with treatment of fellow Malaysians which is lukewarm at best.

Some Malaysians wish nothing but to emulate their Caucasian counterparts and even go so far as to lead pseudo-white lives, eschewing everything Malaysian despite their inherent background and culture. These Malaysians are primarily found in Kuala Lumpur (Malaysia's capital).

#3 Manglish

2008-06-15T06:00:00.002+08:00

Perhaps the most distinct and unique Malaysianism is the use of Manglish.

Manglish is a quaint colloquial style developed by Malaysia's melting pot of races (Chinese+Malay+Indian) since the country's colonialism by the British way back in the `50s.

Malaysians will have you know that Manglish is a certifiable, legitimate language of its own. Foreigners who attempt to speak Manglish are normally greeted with facetious praise.

Some common uses of Manglish:

"I'm on the way lah, on the way, on the way!"- lah is ubiquitously used and repetition is mandatory in Manglish.

"You got umbrella-ella-ella or not?"- use of got and or not is complementary and mostly to question.

"I can teach you how my milkshake is better than yours but I have to charge lor"- use of lor is mostly redundant in a grammatical sense but vital to Manglish execution.

To further illustrate use of Manglish, take this conversation for an example:

Mohammad Ali : Simon, you say want to lend me your car next week, sure or not?
Simon Khow : Your head lah, I was drunk then. Don't remember liao. Don't have, don't have.
Belen Singh : Yeah lah, Simon. I also heard you promise him. Where can like that one?
Simon Khow : What? Cannot ah? Want fight is it?
Mohammad Ali : Confucius say Chinaman with beer in hand acquires short term memory loss.

For tourists or foreigners unaccustomed to such difficult manner of speech, you must never disapprove of Manglish yet you should not attempt to imitate it. It is best that you either gaze pensively or laugh appreciatively to gain your Malaysian friend's approval and trust.

#2 Conspiracy Theories

2008-06-14T21:06:00.002+08:00

It is a well known fact (within Malaysia) that Malaysians are generally astute about politics and government policies. Little things such as truth or logic do not hamper their explanations.

Everyone, from a coffeeshop patroning geriatric to a precocious primary schooler can spew conspiracy theories which will astound the uninitiated and they will be offended if you challenge their statements.

It is therefore most fortuitous that Malaysia is well known for mysterious incidents that cause a hullabaloo for a short amount of time then appear to be swept under the carpet soon after. It is then the conspiracy theorists move into high gear, proclaiming stories of government intervention, media whitewashing and political manoeuvring.

Malaysians are such big fans of conspiracy theories that a website (malaysia-today.net) dedicated to such material was instrumental in almost toppling the ruling government in the 2008 elections. A few months later the blog's editor was sent to prison for charges of sedition.

#1 Studying Abroad

2008-06-14T18:48:00.002+08:00

Despite the quality of education and cultural diversity that exists in Malaysia, many families send their spawn abroad to pursue a further education. It is common to hear of so and so's neighbour going to the UK or your former classmate hopping off to Australia to enrol at a mediocre university in a costly (higher exchange rate equals more bragging rights for parents) course.

It is then required of said graduate to return home after completion of their studies whereupon they will do two things:

1. Complain (a Malaysianism to be explored at length in future)

The returning Malaysian student will state the disparity between his adopted country of four years with his country of origin. "The people in Quebec are so much more friendly!" or "Our government does nothing for the environment unlike Kevin Rudd's administration." or even "Coffee is just not the same here, sigh.". Such statements allow the subject to appear cultured and critical, in comparison to their humble locally educated counterparts. When encountering such discourse, you should nod in agreement and ask them their views on the current political climate of their adopted country at which they will respond with a blank stare.

2. Develop a peculiar indistinct accent

The typical Malaysian upon returning will suddenly acquire an accent that would baffle the most discerning anthropologist. This is to lend the subject an air of foreign sophistication and remind his/her cohorts of the (short) time they spent abroad.

Most of the time, this fabricated accent will fade transitionally with rare occasions on which it will resurface (meeting people from foreign or western countries, showing off to new acquaintances). If you desire to win this person's favor, you should commend them on their unique accent and ask them about the merits of attending an obscure university.

Note: number of years abroad correlates with number of years "authentic" accent will be retained.

If you wish to annoy a foreign graduate, just ask them why they did not attempt to secure a job and stay in said country. But if you want to gain the trust of the Malaysian, tell them they made a wise decision to return home and they will proceed to explain to you their reasons for doing so, allowing them to justify their inadequacies. This allows them to feel good about themselves and gets you in their good books.

Mission Statement

2008-06-14T17:19:00.001+08:00

This blog aims to encapture the unique characteristics and traits of the diverse people of Malaysia by listing some of their activities, penchants, likes, dislikes, idiosyncrasies and so forth.